Things I'm Thankful For

* Knowing there's light out there. It was like I was locked up in a dark room for years, then suddenly pulled out with gentle hands and loving heart into the light of day...only to be shoved back into my closet again fumbling and falling, looking for the door again. But I know daylight is out there...somewhere.

* Solidarity of sisterhood. In the mess of things, the greatest comfort I've found has been my sisters. They know the hurt runs deep, wide and touches every aspect of my world. They feel my pain because they've felt it too. I think that's why it's such a comfort. To know I'm not alone in how I feel. To know they understand, on a heart-deep level. When it feels like the loneliest place I've ever been....they know.

* New perspectives on God. We always keep a limited view of God because of how good things are sometimes. But when things get crappy...and the nightmares come true....that's when God says "Hey, look at ME. I'm Bigger than you can imagine" and that's when the view expands. And I swear, I've never trusted in a Bigger God than I do right now. Because more than anything, I'm clinging to Him in ways that I just go "God I KNOW what you said. and I believe you....even though it looks like crazy"

* Coping skills. My dad has kind of been breathing down my neck about this new obsession I have with running. Tonight I told him, it's not about health. It's not about losing weight. It's about coping with life. Because truly, the hole in my heart is so painful at moments, I can't breathe. Still. 4 weeks after. So running as my coping skill is something I'm thankful for, because it places my focus and body on much greater pain than the pain in my heart that seems never ending. And beyond that, I'm thankful that my body functions well enough to do this and have a coping skill that, in the long run will be helpful and not harmful to me personally.

* Music. Even though most music right now is impetus for me to just cry my eyes out....My heart might often explode if I couldn't express it in a song, or turn the music loud and let it roll deeply into my soul. So much music has held me safe in place and God has used so much of it to just throw His love into my heart. Sleeping with worship music washing over me and letting Him sing over me while I sleep has kept me sane, and from feeling like I need to jump off a cliff.

* Sunsets. Growing up in Texas, under wide open skies, sunset and twilight have always been my favorite times of the day. Mostly because as a night owl, I love the arrival of the stars and the moon. It seems that in the last few weeks, God has given me some beautiful ones to ease the pain a little...or break my heart with His beauty a little more.

*there's more...but I'm tired and I'm going to bed. G'night Blogosphere.


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