Happily Depressing

Recently, my friend Kim & I were talking about how during the saddest of times, we run towards sad and depressing music. Not to wallow, but to allow the music to speak our hearts. She shared a Taylor Swift song with me that she said reminded me of my latest heart-crushing. Definitely was appropriate and made me weep to sit and listen to it. When I feel the way I do, listening to happy music tastes like a lie and leaves me feeling sadder and lonelier because I can't really relate...or maybe because I can relate to the happy at some point but it just rings false when you are choking back tears so often.

Those who know me best know that the tears have been my constant companions these last six weeks. Because of that, I've actually been unmotivated to listen to much music at all beyond worship music or instrumental. And today I was listening to a playlist of movie soundtracks & instrumental pieces that bring my heart back to center & out of the blue, the song that was formerly his ringtone had somehow sneaked into that list and started playing on my car stereo. I wish I were kidding.

Let's just say that the fast forward button- which has gotten a lot of use on my ipod lately got an extra special beating today...Then later tonight, I just felt like returning to some Civil Wars was going to do the trick to sing my sorrow - I was right. Tonight's two songs were a cover of the Smashing Pumpkins song, "Disarm" - which makes me just want to weep from it's beauty. And then followed closely by "You are My Sunshine" and I listened it sang everything I've been dreaming, thinking and feeling. I called him Sunshine each time he called because he was precisely like a ray of sunshine to my abnormally icy heart. The song, as JPW and JW of the Civil Wars will say - is a far more melancholy ditty than we make it out to be by just singing the chorus.

The part that struck me tonight as I listened was "The other night dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken and I hung my head and I cried." ....that's been pretty much everyday of the last six weeks. Waking up to find that what I had dreamed was just a dream. Nightmares on nightmares...endless nightmares. Waking up in tears, waking up to realize things are precisely as they were the night before and crying. But mercifully, I think God's sweet gracious hand is protecting my heart from my mind or vice-versa and I awake knowing I'd had nightmares but unable to remember any of them. Thank God for small mercies.

All that to say, I wanted to post this song which is happily depressing because at the very least there is a knowledge that somewhere, at some point in time someone who is far more talented than I felt what I feel and wrote it down, put it to music and it's something I can listen to and know I'm not alone.


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