Coined a New Term Today
At Ladies Bible study today, one rather young gal, just beginning this journey with God and of life, really. She didn't understand how a Christ follower could get angry with God. I pray that maybe she just has a tremendous gifting in the area of faith and will never have to experience the frustration, and all out anger that can get thrown at God from our sinful pride. Or, for that matter, that she'll never have to undergo the rather extensive and painful humbling that usually comes along with it. (See Job 38-40) - But truth is, I have.
On my way home tonight, talking to a friend about things in my life at this moment, I told her, "I've been through way too much pain, hurt, rejection and struggle to let go of trusting God now. Because He's always turned out faithful." That's the truth. There's been far too much ugly in my life for my poor fragile heart to bear. That's why I built such a strong fortress around my heart, and established this lovely stone heartedness. Someone told me once - the only person who saw me for who I really am - that no one creates those kinds of defenses unless they're truly a sensitive spirit. He was right. And this wound came after I finally confessed to God all my most tremendous fears of being hurt again, getting through it, believing the best would work out, and putting my hope in different. Wrong again. But, truth is, God's been more than faithful in the past, so I can't just pack my bags up on God and leave Him. he's the only thing keeping me sane right now.
Although, sane is perhaps not the best term. Today I coined a new term at Bible study and told the girls that I'm an emotional pin-ball machine right now. And that's what makes me feel crazy. One moment I'm fine - full trust, content to let God work in God's way, believing Him for all He said to my heart. Other moments, I'm overwhelmed with self-doubt, self-blame, self-condemnation of the most insane kind. I find myself going "I'm not enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not kind enough, I'm never going to be good enough." The next moment I'll find myself so furious at God for letting me love again only to have the carpet pulled out from under me. The next I'm just weeping in sadness for losing a friend. The next moment I just am able to tell my friends that God has a good plan. It's a weird place to be to process through all of this emotion on a regular basis. Some days are better than others. Some suck - like Monday. Some consist of me crying a river - like Sunday. Some find me solidly set in this unimaginable (and uncharacteristic) faith - like today. Until one "Firey dart" comes blazing through my armor and stings my heart. But yeah, it's a bit of an emotional pin ball machine.
The gloriously beautiful thing though, is that God always brings my heart back to settle on His Goodness and His Bigness. And I can always return to rest in that. It makes me think of the song Forever Reign - "and Oh, I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms" - it's like when I was a kid, and The Hulk would be on TV, I'd run around the house screaming....and looking for Mom or Dad and hide in them. And then everything was ok. Yes, I struggle with seeing the good in this. Yes I get angry with God for walking me to hurt again. Yes I weep at the loss of a friend. Yes, I can't wrap my brain around the incomprehensibility of the whole thing in general and have a thousand questions banging around my head. But the truth is, in those moments, I've grown so far in my walk over the last decade of pain and struggle that I hit the ground running straight back to truth, straight back to the place I'll find peace.
And that, is what I heard Matt Chandler talking about in one of the last sermons I heard him teach - that God grows our faith. And there comes a time when it's just like breathing. And believe me, it's like breathing to run straight to God when I get confused, when I feel overwhelmingly cracked in this whole thing, or irreparable...because THAT is where I find hope. Recently listened to "Our Hope Endures" by Natalie Grant again and she sings a lyric about our hope not being based in optimism. I don't need to be a great optimist to have hope. My HOPE is an anchor -it is CHRIST. In the most insane storms, in being swallowed by a big fish, in walking a via dolorosa, in dying to self every day...it's not optimism that's going to get me through the day - although I do still dream of miracles and beautiful things for me - it's a HOPE grounded in TRUTH. God IS who He says He is. He WILL DO what He says He will. I who HE says that I am. There is NO one besides Him. He has NOTHING but Good and Kindness towards me.
Yeah, I've got Hope. And my Hope is Bigger than anything Rainbows and Daisies can do for me. Not that Rainbows and Fairy stories aren't this girls' deepest desires and wish....it's just that it's not where my Hope really lies. I've got my hands in an iron vice to my hope right now. It's all I can do to keep going...even when sometimes I get a little emotional-pin-ball-like. :)
On my way home tonight, talking to a friend about things in my life at this moment, I told her, "I've been through way too much pain, hurt, rejection and struggle to let go of trusting God now. Because He's always turned out faithful." That's the truth. There's been far too much ugly in my life for my poor fragile heart to bear. That's why I built such a strong fortress around my heart, and established this lovely stone heartedness. Someone told me once - the only person who saw me for who I really am - that no one creates those kinds of defenses unless they're truly a sensitive spirit. He was right. And this wound came after I finally confessed to God all my most tremendous fears of being hurt again, getting through it, believing the best would work out, and putting my hope in different. Wrong again. But, truth is, God's been more than faithful in the past, so I can't just pack my bags up on God and leave Him. he's the only thing keeping me sane right now.
Although, sane is perhaps not the best term. Today I coined a new term at Bible study and told the girls that I'm an emotional pin-ball machine right now. And that's what makes me feel crazy. One moment I'm fine - full trust, content to let God work in God's way, believing Him for all He said to my heart. Other moments, I'm overwhelmed with self-doubt, self-blame, self-condemnation of the most insane kind. I find myself going "I'm not enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not kind enough, I'm never going to be good enough." The next moment I'll find myself so furious at God for letting me love again only to have the carpet pulled out from under me. The next I'm just weeping in sadness for losing a friend. The next moment I just am able to tell my friends that God has a good plan. It's a weird place to be to process through all of this emotion on a regular basis. Some days are better than others. Some suck - like Monday. Some consist of me crying a river - like Sunday. Some find me solidly set in this unimaginable (and uncharacteristic) faith - like today. Until one "Firey dart" comes blazing through my armor and stings my heart. But yeah, it's a bit of an emotional pin ball machine.
The gloriously beautiful thing though, is that God always brings my heart back to settle on His Goodness and His Bigness. And I can always return to rest in that. It makes me think of the song Forever Reign - "and Oh, I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms" - it's like when I was a kid, and The Hulk would be on TV, I'd run around the house screaming....and looking for Mom or Dad and hide in them. And then everything was ok. Yes, I struggle with seeing the good in this. Yes I get angry with God for walking me to hurt again. Yes I weep at the loss of a friend. Yes, I can't wrap my brain around the incomprehensibility of the whole thing in general and have a thousand questions banging around my head. But the truth is, in those moments, I've grown so far in my walk over the last decade of pain and struggle that I hit the ground running straight back to truth, straight back to the place I'll find peace.
And that, is what I heard Matt Chandler talking about in one of the last sermons I heard him teach - that God grows our faith. And there comes a time when it's just like breathing. And believe me, it's like breathing to run straight to God when I get confused, when I feel overwhelmingly cracked in this whole thing, or irreparable...because THAT is where I find hope. Recently listened to "Our Hope Endures" by Natalie Grant again and she sings a lyric about our hope not being based in optimism. I don't need to be a great optimist to have hope. My HOPE is an anchor -it is CHRIST. In the most insane storms, in being swallowed by a big fish, in walking a via dolorosa, in dying to self every day...it's not optimism that's going to get me through the day - although I do still dream of miracles and beautiful things for me - it's a HOPE grounded in TRUTH. God IS who He says He is. He WILL DO what He says He will. I who HE says that I am. There is NO one besides Him. He has NOTHING but Good and Kindness towards me.
Yeah, I've got Hope. And my Hope is Bigger than anything Rainbows and Daisies can do for me. Not that Rainbows and Fairy stories aren't this girls' deepest desires and wish....it's just that it's not where my Hope really lies. I've got my hands in an iron vice to my hope right now. It's all I can do to keep going...even when sometimes I get a little emotional-pin-ball-like. :)
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