Bloody, Mangled & Bruised: Scenes from a Broken Heart

Today: Thoughts that have been banging around my head the last few days.

* This week, I went to see Brooke Fraser in concert with some friends. I LOVE Brooke and was so excited to see her. And while I was so excited to hear her start the concert with "The Thief"...I started weeping immediately. I mean, the lyrics "You sing me to sleep, talk down my walls..." are pretty much exactly what happened over the last year.

* Driving to South Carolina, I passed a sign for "Inman, SC" -- really, I did. It was like someone took a knife and drove it right through the part of my heart that isn't already dead.

* I'm tired of talking. Everyone wants to know the details, what happened. I want to scream sometimes "I DON'T FRIGGIN KNOW!" And sometimes I just want to sit and weep. And sometimes I want to kick and scream and throw a real tantrum. And other times I just want to pick up the phone and talk to my friend. Other times, I want to strangle someone for being happy while I feel like I'll never get better.

* A friend posted a new version of "I'm Yours" and the opening line one of the guys calls a girl "Princess" - I lost it. Not as much as I did when he used it the last night we talked. No, that was a special kind of ugly sobbing. But this weekend, I've been thinking how he would have treated me just like the princess he called me. Only now, because of where things stand between us, I feel like I'm never going to find that again. Guh.

* Sometimes it feels like it's never going to get better. This week has been almost as bad as the first week. Why? I had this great thought that I was supposed to miss him less and not more.

* I'm so sad all the time. The things that once made me happy or would have made me laugh now just bring a shadow of a smile (if at all) or hollow laughter because I can't share it with my friend. And there's really no one else who ever cared that much about the stupid things in my life.

*And on top of all of that, God's been plowing up my heart and opening my eyes to how my time with him had become an idol and I'd put too much pressure on him and leaned on him too much. And so now, add to the the rest of the overwhelming sadness, I feel like a worse human being and like I'm never going to get this right.

* Adding to that, the stupid lie of "this is all the happiness you'll ever get" - which, I know isn't true - but it's still out there. I mean the truth is, he asked me once why I always expect the worst...the answer "because it always happens." case in point. This, I'd finally gotten to a point where I hoped and believed it would turn out different and it didn't. It turned out exactly the same as it always does. With me weeping, broken, mangled and holding my bloody heart in my hand going "what happened?"

* Which last night reminded of a song that had been ringing in my heart over the last few months "Dismantle.Repair" and knew that bit by bit I was coming a good way. Except that he did dismantle me. He just happened to walk away and leave me in pieces instead of sticking around to work through the 'repair' part of that. And then I get sad and think "I wasn't worth the effort"...and that breaks me apart all over again....or...whatever pieces are left are broken to smaller pieces all over again.

*I wasn't ready to let go, walk away or move on. I was hoping he wouldn't have been either. Some movie I watched years ago said that sometimes you have to go away to see who will follow. This is, in essence what I felt like God wanted me to allow. Let him come after me if he's willing. In the mean hurts like hell. And feeling this way...being so stinkin' miserable, makes me wonder - how can people in this life NOT hope for something beyond this life?

*yesterday I drove home from SC and listened to a sermon about 1Peter 1:3-9 and it was super encouraging to me to know that in the sorrow, the the bloody, bruised and mangled mess of my heart that I have responded rightly in worship and flinging myself at the cross and weeping there and finding the only solace I've got which is that Jesus loves me, He died for me and nothing else really matters...and He gets my hurt. But what was so encouraging was to know that two of the pastors and authors I love most struggle with brooding, depression and a negative skew of the world. It's the comfort of knowing your not alone and that it's not a brokenness to view the world through a lens of hurt. It's sometimes the life dealt to a person and a way God uses people in mighty ways. Not saying God's using me in anything even remotely to mighty...but it's encouraging nonetheless that I'm not alone.

*Finally...the song that has been knocking around my head for days (even before the concert) was a song called "Flags" by Brooke Fraser.'s my theme song right now. These lyrics have been holding me tightly in place:

"You who mourn will be comforted
You who hunger will hunger no more
All the last shall be first
Of this I am sure

You who weep now will laugh again
All you lonely be lonely no more
Yes, the last will be first
Of this I'm sure"


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