random teadrops

There's not a morning I wake up and not miss him.

He's been invading my subconscious sleep state much of late.

It feels like I'm slowly sinking in quicksand.

My phone is so eerily silent, that it makes me think I just want to throw it away.

Yesterday Micah was here and when he crawled into my lap and let me cuddle with him, it reminded me of what God told me about him when I saw the him and Micah together. And it broke me apart a little more.

Then I also remembered the promise he made to my nephew...that he will now break.

The other day, I heard "Breakeven" by the Script and it reminded me of why I resisted listening to them so much when he was around, because that song was every bit true about a real broken heart.

Sometimes I think about how unfair it is that all I got was broken because of this, when he sticks around and fixes everyone else he cares about. If I didn't know better, I'd say it's because he doesn't or didn't really care. But like I said, I know better than that.

But...he did walk away...and he let me walk away. If he wanted to, he could have and still could change all of this.

My friend Holly told me the other day that she hoped that something changes before the hole in my heart is no longer shaped like him. I hold no hope that that will ever change really.

The other day, I was watching some dumb movie and was ambushed by a Keith Urban song. Cried. It's stupid. I loathe these songs for reasons only I can hold.

It feels like I'm just this huge rain cloud on everyone's life right now. I make my parents sad, I make my friends sad, I make me sad....I'd make him sad if he were even reading this. It makes me upset that so many people are hurting because of me, but I can't just change my heart.

The Beatles sang "all you need is love." ...it's not.


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