Scenes from a Memory & Other Random Thoughts

- "Scenes from a Memory" is a album title for Dream Theater that I love and honestly, I've always wanted to write a blog about memories with that as a title. This will sort of be like that. But not really. It's just random floods.

- Yesterday I spent some time with my old "book club" girls at a book club "reunion" of sorts. Man, was that ever good. Just to get together with the girls, laugh, drink some wine, eat some yummies and pretty much just settle into something different than sadness.

- This season of my life, I guess is about learning to be sad and not wallow in it, but to grieve, to let the tears come not out of anger but real sadness. It's a weird place. It's been a bit like our Lynchburg weather too. One minute storms and thunder clouds and torrential rain; the next minute, sunshine and blue skies and puffy white clouds. That's kind of my new normal, emotionally.

- Heartbreak does weird things to a person. For me, it means some days I won't listen to music at all - and if you know me, you know what a tragedy that is. It also means, I don't eat sometimes. It also means I'm keeping a lot of things to myself that I think should stay hidden. But it also means I have run hard into community and sought out people to help me pass time that would have been otherwise spent alone.

- In the last six weeks, I've worn mascara once, and it was pointless because it took all of twenty minutes for me to wash it away with tears. I really need to invest in some waterproof mascara or smudge proof or whatever...because I look half-dead without it.

- Speaking of looking half dead, the tears have made my eyes swell, the not sleeping well has left bags under my eyes, the stress has caused me to gain craploads of new gray hair and & have developed this nasty habit of sickeningly nauseating headaches at the end of each day thanks to these unpleasant nodes on my neck that have grown. I'm duly concerned about said neck growths....but have no way of checking into that with no money and no insurance. Beyond that....all of this has aged me like five years in 6 weeks. While it has been emotional hell, it has made me look like hell. Yay.

- Tonight I went to the Kids' Community gathering at Vic's house. It was good and nurturing in my heart to sit on how God is my King and talk about letting Him be Big and letting myself be sad with these ladies. Tears fell like silent soldiers as one lady talked about her excitement in Jesus and how in Love she was with God and how he had hugged her today and all that. I was glad for her, but on my inside I just felt hallow, numb and a little bit like.. "where did that go for me?" I'm so thankful for worship music & the physical pain of running because otherwise I'd feel numb and a bit like a zombie all the time. Anyway...the time at Vic's was actually good for me, because I was reminded I'm not alone. I need that.

- Driving home, I found it was definitely a movie score kind of night. And this song rolled into play and I knew it like I know my own breath. I've always told my friend that in the Twilight Saga, I identify most with Jacob. In fact, for all of my life, I AM Jacob. Always the one who loves and never gets the freedom to have that love. I get the torture of watching someone you love be completely uninterested in you or only interested enough to say "I care about you" Yeah. So this piece of the Eclipse score by Howard Shore really wraps up that soft spot in my heart. I'm back to being Jacob.

- The nightmares have returned. I get nauseous just thinking about going to sleep. I hate going to bed now. I'm not a huge fan of waking up either, if I'm being honest. But this is the new normal. And I'm adjusting to it in my way.

- Tonight Jo and I were talking about some things and I remembered Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see" ~ Gosh did I need that injection. And the irony is that Jo told me what a hopeful heart I had and how crushing heartbreak can be for someone like me. I needed to hear someone say I was hopeful, because I have felt like I was drowning for weeks. And it made sense why I felt that way...was because I'd found hope again, dreams again and the ability to breathe. But as we talked about praising God through hard things...Hebrews 11:1 rang true. Get truth. Put it on the front of your mind. Hold on. It will get better. It has to get better.

- Thankful for lots of little things today.

- Also, I'm tired of job hunting. Can I have a job already, God? Please? ugh.


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