Leave Love Bleeding in My Hands

Something about the song Hemorrhage by Fuel crept into my thoughts today and all night long, I've been singing it to myself.

Today, I woke up, got dressed and moved into a day that was normal. Had breakfast with a friend, did a bit of pottery, took a little nap and went to babysit two cool little boys. As I started my day, though there was just a dull emptiness that seemed to pervade. Not hopelessness, just a sense of something missing.

Truth is, I think the reality of the new "normal" is now sinking in. Just the reality of what my life will now look like going back to what it was before he invaded my days. I'm adjusting to it, but I don't like it. I'm not sure that I ever really will like it. I still miss him like I would miss oxygen if I were sitting on the bottom of a swimming pool and unable to swim to the top to breathe.

If it were a book or a movie, this would all be oh-so-romantic - the girl who was crushed and lost he who her heart loved. In real life, it's not romantic. It's messy. Or something....and maybe it's just pathetic. I don't know.

But, I told God I'd walk this road if that's what he put in front of me. So I walk. Alone. Sad. Worshiping Him still. Confused a bit. Hurting. Wading through it in my own way. Trying to cope with what's now normal. Missing my friend. Wishing things were different. But still eyes on Jesus and walking.

And in all of that, He's still good and I have to believe the things I know to be true. Clinging to truth with my fingernails in desperate measure. Holding onto who He says that I am, who He says that He is and throwing myself at the cross and waiting. For what, I don't even know...but I'm there, at the cross - waiting.


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