What I Should Be Doing...

...is the last minute packing - the purse stuffing, the organization, etc. But the truth is, I'm exhausted. Flat - tuckered out.

Yesterday was one kind of roller coaster I don't want to be on. The one year mark I blogged about yesterday, the preps for Nicaragua (exciting), lunch with a friend & hubs(yay) which included some of the most exciting news of the week (double yay for a new brother in my Jesus family!)...and then it was like God was saying "Ok, just hang on cuz it's about to get really rough."

Friday morning, I got a text from a friend letting me know she was having tests run on her little guy inside her belly. Within hours, another text came through telling me little man was gone. Guh. Not just any friend, but the one who was still reeling from the trauma of a late-term still birth when I met her. Later in the afternoon, I got another text asking for a safe delivery (!) because she's having to carry out the still birth again - with funerary arrangements and all. Immediately, I got up from the couch and said "I'm on my way" just to be with her and her husband until the inevitable tragic and traumatic end came. I was at the hospital until nearly 2am. Drove home, weeping only to lie awake until 3, awake at 6:30 to return to my friend's bedside.

All the while, praying & talking to God and having to physically, literally and truthfully remind myself that God is good, merciful and kind. Because in all kinds of places in my heart I was screaming the opposite. Unfair is the word used most by the doctors and nurses through the last 24 hours. I could not agree more. Unfair, tragic, horrible, nightmarish. All of those are good descriptors. I know God's got a good plan but in this human skin and for my poor friend and her family, I don't see it. I choose to accept what I KNOW to be true even though, at moments - I've struggled to really believe it.

Tears, this week. Lots of tears this week. And I'm exhausted. Spiritually, emotionally, physically drained. So yes, I should be finishing packing. But am I going to get it done? Not tonight.

Tomorrow, I am double serving in kidstuf, meeting the team for 10am prayer and running home to throw the last minute items & try to get my bearings before we head to DC. I'm a tremendously broken girl with nothing left in me to give.

On that note, I'm fairly sure God's going to do some shaking and quaking along the way this week. I'm desperate for it. I need Him in a bigger way than I did 24 hours ago.


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