No more than one day

It's Saturday, so no one's going to read this. In fact, I kind of think everyone else has kind of stopped reading this blog anyway, so who the heck cares?

Apparently, one 24 hour period of a good day is all I'm going to's too much to ask to get more than that. I woke thinking today would be good, read my bible, had some encouragement, coffee and felt like I could have a good day. For about an hour.

Then the whole thing crashed in on me all over again. The tears started to well up in my eyes, but I choked them back again and again. Finally, told my mom I was going to get dressed. But what I was really doing was barely walking into my bedroom, dropped my phone and nook, fell to floor and curled up in fetal position and sobbed.

Yesterday, I got teary eyed, but the tears didn't fall. I thought, maybe I won't cry so much anymore. I laid down to bed, and read some great scripture...but closed my eyes and the tears slipped out unconsciously.

I woke this morning hoping that maybe I wouldn't cry again today...but then this wave of sadness and hurt overwhelmed me like a tidal wave. It rolls over and over...and most days, I feel like it's never going to stop.

Yesterday, I visited Betsy at work before she left on vacation, and felt like some hallowed out version of myself. I smiled, joked a bit but mostly didn't have a lot to say or think. I was just blah.

If it's not already the case, everyone is going to hate me, hate being around me. I kind of loathe being around me most days. I hate the sadness, I hate crying, I hate it all. I know I told God I'd sit here if this is where He is and where He has me, and I remain true to it. But it's miserable.

Growth, yeah, there's some growth happening, but I miss my friend. And it the most awful thing in the world to want to talk to him, to miss him like this and have my hands tied by some supernatural binding. Oh how this hurts. And I know how pathetic I am. I'm sorry if you're reading and have been reading.

Today, I'm going to just have to deal with being sad again....or still.


  1. People who love you will NEVER "hate being around you" because you are sad. They will stand with you even more because when your sister hurts, you hurt too.
    I know if there was a way, your friends and family would take your burden - would carry the sadness for you and let you have a rest. As it is, we are here and we love you. When you are sad, when you are happy. Nothing changes that.


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