Radically Single: You Didn't WHAT?

Today is going to be a good day and I'm looking forward to it! But to kick off the day I decided to share the next story in my Radically Single bad date stories. Already you've experienced the Introduction, and the Funeral Date guy...now let's move on to the guy who didn't....well, more on that when we get to it.


The idea of a blind date isn't such a bad thing, really. I've heard of some going rather well. After moving to Virginia and spending a significant amount of time with a friend here in town, she invited me to a New Year's Eve Party just for fun. And fun it was. Plenty of new people to meet. Apparently, however Miss Little Matchmaker (or attempt at it) decided to invite this guy we shall dub him Mr. Scruffy & Smelly (more on that later) because she thought we'd "hit it off." I thought she knew what I'd like....apparently I was wrong.

Now, let me say that this party was full of people including another more attractive guy who was a bit more into things that I like than Mr. Scruffy and Smelly. I also noticed he spent a great deal of time talking to another gal at the party, so I didn't give him another thought. In hindsight, I did notice that he kept trying to insert himself into my conversation like a cassette tape into a cd player. He just didn't fit nor get it when it came to whatever it was I was engaged in.

After the party, my friend told me that she had invited this guy specifically to meet me and hadn't told me, only him. Which, is the first fail of blind date/set up - Gotta alert both parties...

So, a few days went by - and I had asked God for a date after the new year just because I was tired of the alone in a new city already. Let me tell you, after what happened the last two times I asked God to let me have a date....I may never ask again. After a bit, my friend, the matchmaker asked if she could pass along my phone number to Mr. Smelly & Scruffy - whom she had to describe in detail because I couldn't for the life of me, remember who he was -- not the best sign, by the way. I consented and got a text message of flirtation.

The text flirtation carried on for a bit - as I tend to be more adept at faceless flirtation than the real-life variety. Probably because I can think about it, retype it and display all the brilliance of my wit, ha! Just kidding...sort of. ;) We texted a bit, and this guy did NOT understand what it meant to ask a gal out. What it amounted to was me asking him "Are you asking me out?" because of the way the conversation was dissolving. As you all know by now, my first and foremost pet peeve is for guys to be unable ASK and be clear about what they're asking.

Turns out he was asking. So we talked on the phone a little bit, chatted online. The phone calls (there were two, I think) were good. We did have a bit in common and were able to laugh about similar things. So we arranged to have a Friday night date.

He worked in a city about an hour away, so he was going to be coming in from work, apparently but said he'd be ready...I don't know about you ladies, but on a first date of any kind, I would very much like to look cute and be pretty enough to maybe land a second date, right? So I did. I had cute shoes, a little blouse, and fixed my hair, put on a bit of make-up, you know...the kind that makes my eyes look more like a gypsy and less like a clown. And we set to meet at this local Japanese place in town - me not knowing what that was like.

Yes, it was a restaurant that served it's food on Styrofoam plates, cheap plastic forks and all that. I drove up and he wasn't there yet, so I waited. Fellas, let me remind you - keeping a lady waiting is kinda a crime...especially on a wintry January night...and especially if you have no good excuse for what you look like when you show up. Mr. Smelly & Scruffy showed up just as his nomenclature describes. He was Smelly and scruffy with a dirty, wrinkly shirt, a nasty beanie hat on his head of hair that had not been brushed in 5 years. Oh, did I mention that He smelled like he might have spent the day with a Yak? Yeah.

Let me be clear, I like scruff...the unkept sexy bearded, *slightly* unshaven, carefully tousled hair look...something kinda hot about that...I just like it. But this guy....was not sexy. Sadly, this guy wasn't trying to be sexy or trendy, he was just careless about what he looked (and smelled like).

So my immediate aversion to the "maybe I'm a rodeo cowboy who works with flatluent yaks" guy was met with even more shock when we walked into the place of eating to find that he had no cash and the place didn't take credit cards. Did this guy not only not shower but also NOT plan this evening too? *face palm* - So he asked if he could take me somewhere else - and I prayed it'd be better than this place where I was pretty sure I saw a roach crawl across the door handle. I consent and we walk to his car.

So far, the conversation has been about food and him and we get to the car and it looks like a fast-food waste paper landfill and the backseat looked like there might have been something alive back there. He "cleaned out" the front seat and I got in - a little repulsed....partly because of the car, and partly because of the smell of unpleasantness wafting from the driver's side of the car in a confined space. Thankfully, my hair smelled like a vanilla milkshake so I played with my hair in front of my nose for the five minute drive. Also, in the drive he apologized for his filthy state and said he hadn't showered. Ew. Too much information, Mr. Smelly & Scruff...please tell me no more...

We arrived at the new restaurant which was a carbon copy of the other and only slightly cleaner...and I was given a Styrofoam plate and cup. As for utensils, the forks given us would have been surpassed in quality by the forks at a little kid's birthday party. Thankfully, I snagged some chopsticks because I was afraid of ingesting the plastic tongs from melting at unnaturally low temperatures.

Let's sum up. So far - my date was late, smelly, sloppy, unprepared and took me to one of the least pleasant places to eat in in the city.

While we ate, the conversation was mostly about him and his inability to keep a job (strike...who knows how many at this point) and he discussed his need to degrade most churches in the area and theologically dress down a few pastors by name. Being new to the area, I didn't know any of the churches he referred to or the pastors, thankfully. But this city is so small I might have been related to one or they might have been there. I sat and listened to his carrying on about himself, where I found out this guy couldn't keep his job at the local Christian University because he's the beer guy at the local ball park.

Well, at least he paid.

But it gets better. He dropped me back at my car and I drove home going "what in the world was that?" I got almost to my house when the text sound dinged - and this is what I got from Mr. Smelly & Scruffy who might also be deemed Mr. Technology Idiot: "It was alright, Not a great date. Nice girl, but not very interesting. Maybe next time, perhaps."

I. Kid. You. Not.

Really, when I got it, I just laughed hysterically. I proceeded to respond with a "What??" Just so he'd know his message did not get to his intended party...and partly cuz he needed to know that if his non-showering didn't win him any further points, whatever his chances of a second date with me just crumbled to ash. He responded with "I'm an idiot, that's what" - and that was the last communication I had with him ever.

Well, until I went to the ball park the following spring and heard my name called by the Beer Guy. Yeah...he's still around. Oh man. I heard rumor recently that he is engaged or married or something. Good for him....maybe she taught him how to shower.


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