Emotional Overload

Sometimes emotions are so rampant in my heart that I have to weep uncontrollably. Today, there was so much grief bearing on me that I have to weep and I have to write about it.

* First of all, I spent some time this morning watching this footage of the devastation in Japan, because with guests the last few days, I've not had the opportunity to key into what really happen. I felt like someone was squeezing my heart so hard I couldn't breathe.

*This weekend, I opened my mouth and wreaked havoc on a good thing. I am still mourning that. To hurt someone is the thing that breaks in on my heart in the deepest grief.

* Today I heard an old song by Bethany Dillon called "Beautiful" and the line "I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe ....I wanna hear you say, who I am is quite enough, just wanna be worthy of love, and beautiful..." really crept into some places that I've been keeping locked up. Since my name means worthy of love, this really is even more poignant, because today I don't feel worthy at all. And so I just want to weep at that.

* It's March and I still haven't found work. The few options that have seemed to open up to be have been doors slammed shut in my face. That is not helpful. But as I sit and survey the post-spring break weeks ahead of furious school work, and I sometimes think I'm going to be the biggest failure of all. And of course that makes me weep.

* Facebook is driving me nuts these days. I changed the settings this morning and already I've been told that I'll be unfriended because someone couldn't assert their opinion on me. Sorry, folks, Facebook friendship is a privilege, not a right. And right now, I've changed the access so that pretty much no one can see what's going on with me. I want it that way for right now. I need to be able to say that I'm hurting and not be criticized for it.

* Isolation. It's what I do when I get like this. I'm feeling fairly lonely, pretty down and I generally want to crawl into my turtle shell and say "be done with ye" to to the world. But I refuse. Last night in my desperate wish to isolate, I turned and went the other direction, calling every person I could think of to go to a movie with me and finally winding up on the couch at a friends' - I needed to not be alone and I knew it. I would have cried all night.

* This morning I awoke just as overwhelmed. Thankfully, a dear friend texted me and reminded me that Love & Grace cover a multitude. I'm banking on it because right now, all I want to do is sit down and weep because all of this is crashing in on me.

* I love Truth in these moments though. and Right now, "Forever Reign" is the song of the moment. "You are good, when there's nothing good in me...You are peace when my fear is crippling...You are God , of all else I'm letting go."

*Maybe I'm hormonal, whatever....emotions are just bubbling too quickly to be contained today. And for that reason, my encounters on Social Networking should be minimal today.