Breaking Fast, Week Two
Last week, I promised a further explanation of why I chose secular music as the scene of my Lenten fast. That's what you'll get today, along with a few thoughts of how it played out for me this week.
When talking to a close friend, and telling her about the resolution to give up secular music for this season, she told me, "I know that's a big sacrifice for you." Yikes. You know something is rather important (and maybe too important) when your friends can identify the loss of it as a sacrifice for you. At any rate, this was something that had been sitting on me for awhile now.
Sometime around the beginning of the year, I decided to begin praying about whether or not to observe Lent this year and asked God to show me what it was that would be appropriate to remove for the season. As time progressed, I noticed that having stepped down from the worship team led me to listen to worship music less than I ever have. Consequently, with that lessening, I found myself indulging in whatever good music I could find. And I began to tire of contemporary christian music, getting wearied after two or three songs that sounded the same when I was in my parents' car. (I certainly wasn't listening to it in MY car) Combine all of that with a friend who talked to me almost incessantly about music and new songs that he liked and I should listen to. There was a significant shift in the music I listened to.
Up until about a year ago, what wasn't worship music was generally quite melancholy and contemplative - boring as some might put it (I contend this is not true, but it's been said). Truth is, I just like a certain type of serenity and quietude in music that I listen to. A little less than a year ago, an deluge of happy flooded into my life and brought with it the need to listen to music that was as saccharine as it comes. I could name all the kinds of happy music that entered my cochlear cavities, but I'll spare you.
It came around that any sort of God-centered tunes were barely making my playlists anymore. Interestingly, I noticed a heightening of fear and insecurity start to bubble up at the same time. I'm not saying it's all connected but for this girl, who frequently has bloody, brutal battles in my mind regarding my worth, who I am, and where my security comes from - it's never a great thing to lessen biblical truth. Some folks don't like modern worship, but I've come to respect it for various reasons - more on that next week -- and how it helps me center on WHO is my worth and hope and pretty much take my thoughts OFF of me, on the whole. Less of me, more of Him, essentially.
Realizing that - I knew it was time to shuffle out the things that did NOT contribute to an absolute focus on God's character and my standing with Him - the exceptions being Classical, Vocal or Opera type sounds. And this week - when I found myself staring down the barrel of a smoking gun of insecurity and fear that was shot straight through my heart, the one solution I had was to turn up the volume. Literally. And turn it up, I did. I listened repetitively to Hillsong United newest album, Aftermath and found the richest fountain of Grace I could imagine. It was beautiful. The line ..."and I find myself here on my knees again, caught up in grace like an avalanche"... or ..."...God our justice, God our grace, God our freedom, He has overcome. God our strength, God our refuge, God is with us, He has overcome"... or about a thousand more vignettes of truth straight from scripture poured onto my soul like a healing water that created some kind of miracle.
Let me tell you this, that had I not been under a fast of sorts during this point, I would have listened to music justifying my feelings, either wallowing in sadness or spewing callous hurt...and that probably would have led me down a path that would have led to bitterness, anger, and ugliness like who i used to be. But I'm not that girl anymore.
There are no dead bones left in me. I am flesh, soft and covered by wings, secured in a strong tower. And I woke this morning reminded that God wants me when no one else does and then walked in to teach those girls about Grace, and found myself splashing around in grace like a kid in a deep puddle.
Yeah, I'm glad to have taken away secular music for a time, even if I still get frustrated with the poor musicianship and lyrics of contemporary Christian music. (more on that in another post) But ultimately, I am rediscovering my love of turning the volume of truth up. Literally.
When talking to a close friend, and telling her about the resolution to give up secular music for this season, she told me, "I know that's a big sacrifice for you." Yikes. You know something is rather important (and maybe too important) when your friends can identify the loss of it as a sacrifice for you. At any rate, this was something that had been sitting on me for awhile now.
Sometime around the beginning of the year, I decided to begin praying about whether or not to observe Lent this year and asked God to show me what it was that would be appropriate to remove for the season. As time progressed, I noticed that having stepped down from the worship team led me to listen to worship music less than I ever have. Consequently, with that lessening, I found myself indulging in whatever good music I could find. And I began to tire of contemporary christian music, getting wearied after two or three songs that sounded the same when I was in my parents' car. (I certainly wasn't listening to it in MY car) Combine all of that with a friend who talked to me almost incessantly about music and new songs that he liked and I should listen to. There was a significant shift in the music I listened to.
Up until about a year ago, what wasn't worship music was generally quite melancholy and contemplative - boring as some might put it (I contend this is not true, but it's been said). Truth is, I just like a certain type of serenity and quietude in music that I listen to. A little less than a year ago, an deluge of happy flooded into my life and brought with it the need to listen to music that was as saccharine as it comes. I could name all the kinds of happy music that entered my cochlear cavities, but I'll spare you.
It came around that any sort of God-centered tunes were barely making my playlists anymore. Interestingly, I noticed a heightening of fear and insecurity start to bubble up at the same time. I'm not saying it's all connected but for this girl, who frequently has bloody, brutal battles in my mind regarding my worth, who I am, and where my security comes from - it's never a great thing to lessen biblical truth. Some folks don't like modern worship, but I've come to respect it for various reasons - more on that next week -- and how it helps me center on WHO is my worth and hope and pretty much take my thoughts OFF of me, on the whole. Less of me, more of Him, essentially.
Realizing that - I knew it was time to shuffle out the things that did NOT contribute to an absolute focus on God's character and my standing with Him - the exceptions being Classical, Vocal or Opera type sounds. And this week - when I found myself staring down the barrel of a smoking gun of insecurity and fear that was shot straight through my heart, the one solution I had was to turn up the volume. Literally. And turn it up, I did. I listened repetitively to Hillsong United newest album, Aftermath and found the richest fountain of Grace I could imagine. It was beautiful. The line ..."and I find myself here on my knees again, caught up in grace like an avalanche"... or ..."...God our justice, God our grace, God our freedom, He has overcome. God our strength, God our refuge, God is with us, He has overcome"... or about a thousand more vignettes of truth straight from scripture poured onto my soul like a healing water that created some kind of miracle.
Let me tell you this, that had I not been under a fast of sorts during this point, I would have listened to music justifying my feelings, either wallowing in sadness or spewing callous hurt...and that probably would have led me down a path that would have led to bitterness, anger, and ugliness like who i used to be. But I'm not that girl anymore.
There are no dead bones left in me. I am flesh, soft and covered by wings, secured in a strong tower. And I woke this morning reminded that God wants me when no one else does and then walked in to teach those girls about Grace, and found myself splashing around in grace like a kid in a deep puddle.
Yeah, I'm glad to have taken away secular music for a time, even if I still get frustrated with the poor musicianship and lyrics of contemporary Christian music. (more on that in another post) But ultimately, I am rediscovering my love of turning the volume of truth up. Literally.
I actually found myself in the same boat not to long ago/recently. Sometimes I forget how much music affects me, emotionally and spiritually. (the Village worship band is coming out with a worship album April 1st. It should be good. It has the original version of "Glorious Day" that Casting Crowns so masterfully butchered)
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