This is All New
I think God's done something remarkable in and for me. Yes, my heart is broken. Yes, it hurts like suffering in Hades. Yes, I feel a bit like someone punched a hole in my chest and there's this huge gap where something has gone missing.
I cried. I still cry.
But somehow, there's an overwhelming love that encompasses me. Whether it's a hug from a friend, or a threat of injury to the person who hurt me from another, or a simple text of "how is your heart" from another? or a thousand other ways I feel loved and cared for. The Body is amazing. And more incredibly, GOD himself is amazing. To appoint moments when he does is...well, he's a bit remarkable. Yesterday, a gloriously perfect sunset to let me weep to as I listened to Kari Jobe's song "You Are For Me" and David Crowders' "How He Loves" -- both felt like pretty packages tied up with bows for me. And then, this morning, trying to sneak into our large church building with my head down and sunglasses covering my red and swollen eyes, a friend spotted me down the hall and called me back. She gave me one hug and said "I've seen your tweets and I"m worried about you" - to which, since I was alreayd on the verge of a breakdown, I lost it all over again. But the look in her eyes was pure love, care and empathy. And then she prayed over me....with glorious truth and hope that nourished my heart.
Today, things seemed brighter too. Of course, a new pair of shoes will do that to ya. But beyond that...God always seems to be able to mend what's broken for us, and I think he might be working on mending a very broken piece to this puzzle...and if it's anything than the last time, it's going to be better when it's all done. And if it's repaired only to end it, then I guess that's good too. But I said yes 10 months ago. I said yes 6 months ago. I said yes 3 months ago and I said Yes again 3 weeks ago...and yet again 3 nights ago. So...in all my Yeses to God....I KNOW he will bless my obedience and my willingness to lean into the hard stuff. It's hard. It sucks to cry until my eyes hurt and I want to vomit. It sucks to wake up in tears thinking of the things you read.
BUT.
I know God is Good. I know this isn't punishment, or lies or ugliness that I in any way deserve. This is a God thing that He's doing in a way that is bigger than me or the other person involved...or even any one in this world.
Somehow, somewhere God is giving my heart and mind a supernatural grace to walk in this with faith that I know will one day tell a mountain to move. Right now, however, I may not be able to speak to the mountain, but I've got the ear of the God who created the mountain. So, God, can you move that mountain? You gave me a sunset last night, and a beautiful moon tonight...I imagine You can make that mountain waltz all the way to the Pacific Northwest if you choose. Which would be kind of fun to see, now that I think of it....
At any rate, In peace, I say yes - yet again - to God. Whatever this looks like.
Yes.
I cried. I still cry.
But somehow, there's an overwhelming love that encompasses me. Whether it's a hug from a friend, or a threat of injury to the person who hurt me from another, or a simple text of "how is your heart" from another? or a thousand other ways I feel loved and cared for. The Body is amazing. And more incredibly, GOD himself is amazing. To appoint moments when he does is...well, he's a bit remarkable. Yesterday, a gloriously perfect sunset to let me weep to as I listened to Kari Jobe's song "You Are For Me" and David Crowders' "How He Loves" -- both felt like pretty packages tied up with bows for me. And then, this morning, trying to sneak into our large church building with my head down and sunglasses covering my red and swollen eyes, a friend spotted me down the hall and called me back. She gave me one hug and said "I've seen your tweets and I"m worried about you" - to which, since I was alreayd on the verge of a breakdown, I lost it all over again. But the look in her eyes was pure love, care and empathy. And then she prayed over me....with glorious truth and hope that nourished my heart.
Today, things seemed brighter too. Of course, a new pair of shoes will do that to ya. But beyond that...God always seems to be able to mend what's broken for us, and I think he might be working on mending a very broken piece to this puzzle...and if it's anything than the last time, it's going to be better when it's all done. And if it's repaired only to end it, then I guess that's good too. But I said yes 10 months ago. I said yes 6 months ago. I said yes 3 months ago and I said Yes again 3 weeks ago...and yet again 3 nights ago. So...in all my Yeses to God....I KNOW he will bless my obedience and my willingness to lean into the hard stuff. It's hard. It sucks to cry until my eyes hurt and I want to vomit. It sucks to wake up in tears thinking of the things you read.
BUT.
I know God is Good. I know this isn't punishment, or lies or ugliness that I in any way deserve. This is a God thing that He's doing in a way that is bigger than me or the other person involved...or even any one in this world.
Somehow, somewhere God is giving my heart and mind a supernatural grace to walk in this with faith that I know will one day tell a mountain to move. Right now, however, I may not be able to speak to the mountain, but I've got the ear of the God who created the mountain. So, God, can you move that mountain? You gave me a sunset last night, and a beautiful moon tonight...I imagine You can make that mountain waltz all the way to the Pacific Northwest if you choose. Which would be kind of fun to see, now that I think of it....
At any rate, In peace, I say yes - yet again - to God. Whatever this looks like.
Yes.
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