Things I need to say

- The hole in my heart still aches. It's not like cracked glass and torn to pieces anymore, just empty. Not pain, just the phantom pain of something gone.

- And then I remember things...moments really, or rather, a whole two days of moments. And months of prayer and hours on my face with God about this whole thing. That's when hope rises in this strange tide of sadness.

- Weird too, when you let people in on your pain, the glorious way God can use it to remind you of things.

- How can someone who has never seen, met or even have a clue of who I am as a person get a chance to make any assessment of my character, my motivation, my heart, or my intentions? Please don't get me started, I could rail on this for days. But I can't change that. And I have to let that go too.

- I hope he knows he can fix this at any moment. I pray he knows that. I pray he becomes every bit the man I know he can be and picks up the phone some day.

- I'm learning how tremendously fragile I am. And I'm oddly ok with that. I'm breakable. My heart is fragile and tender in spots I didn't know. All of that is God's hand that's changed me. And people around me see it. It's why they protect me and want to harm people who hurt me. I always thought I was strong, and I was so wrong. So wrong. This girl needs someone to be strong for her. Thankful Jesus fits that bill quite nicely.

- Something that is going through my mind a lot lately is how desperately hopeless people with out Christ are. I cannot imagine what I would do, how I would cope to go through this without the shelter of our Savior, of the knowledge that He fixes and restores and brings dead things to life. There is so much hope in Him that I have that I cannot be shaken. That doesn't lessen the tears, or the pain or empty ache...but it certainly does soothe and comfort in those sore places.

- talked to an older woman today, a friend and heart-sister and she said she'd watched me lean in closer to God this last year than ever before and how changed I am, how blessed she'd been to see me say 'yes' to God in the hard things and that she was so proud of me for opening up, for loving and feeling and for letting God do all of this in me. She encouraged my heart so much. And reminded me that this isn't over yet.

- Which is the last thought - God keeps telling me that this part of the story isn't over yet. that's good and bad. Part of me would love to know it's all over, finished and done and I can move on. But, intrinsically and I've known it since this whole mess started that it's not over, God's not done with this and I have to trust Him to be bigger than even what things appear. The silence, the breaking, the empty spaces...all of it. God's all in it. So, before I go to sleep, I rest in Him, knowing it's not over, and just wildly throwing my heart, my hope and my trust on Him and letting Him sort out the rest...which makes me love Him even more.


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