Tonight I'm tired. Laying down my barrier of strength held up by a tenacity of spirit passed down from generations of firey Mexican and Indian women, thoughts begin to creep in. They are not the kind of thoughts that are wrecking crews to my stability of security. No, this week, inexplicably, I am crowned with dignity and security, a gracious gift of love from my Father. No, these thoughts are of a different kind.

Memories that haunt me like a bad outlaw on days when he's missing. Memories that give me wings on days that he's near.

The sweetness of them crashes over me like a tidal wave, wiping away every negative emotion and replacing them with outrageous hope. In the midst of the sudden gush of overflow - in those moments - I might believe that Unicorns are real and Pots of Gold do exist at the end of every rainbow. There might be Leprichauns waiting for me on the green hills of the Isle of Erin. There just might be a sweet soothing voice to whisper a song to my heart in my ear.

There is a soothing like anointing oil over my head when I remember you.

You've left me as defenseless as a newborn, vulnerable and waiting to be held. On the Spartan hilltop, waiting for the wolves to drag me away or some kind hand to rescue me.

Memories of a wall once fortress high, now crumbled at my feet - alive and seeing the world for the first time. Sometimes I look for my masonry tools to begin to rebuild the walls. Then gentler Hands than even yours find me to bring the rebuilding to a halt. And you come along with your wrecking ball and keep on knocking down the walls.

Like my precious Savior - so good, so gracious and kind - There's beauty and a continual flow of glorious tenderness towards me. Overrun and overwhelmed by it, I try to hide, I try to run...and My Jesus, He calls me gently back...draws me in with cords of love....Learn from Him, Lean on Him.....and let me Lean on both.

Growing strong and sure. Faltering like a toddler learning to walk. This is my journey...never always sure, never always failure.

I'm good, I'm bad. I'm beautiful, I'm ugly. I'm kind, I'm mean. I'm hopeful, I'm negative. I'm grateful, I'm hateful. I'm truth, I'm false. I'm gentle, I'm harsh. I'm gracious, I'm unforgiving. I'm brilliant light, I'm ineffable darkness. I'm quiet, I'm loud. I'm all of this, I'm all of that.

And all with the lightning of one small ember will burst it all to flame again. And all over again, I'm awakened to a world brighter, newer and better with you in it. Darker, broken and worse without you.

Memories...they fall on me. They rest over me - nestled in a cozy blanket of memory. And now,I lay my head down to sleep and remember...oh how i remember...


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