There's a hole in my heart

It's like a hole has been punched in my chest. I think that's how Stephenie Meyer described it in New Moon. She's right. It is. a giant, massive hole punched right out of my chest. It's going to hurt like -- well...the worst pain I've ever known -- for who knows how long.

I did what God asked of me. I laid my heart on the line. All the way, no holds barred. Now I reap the fallout. Thank you, God. I said yes, and here I am. I can't say no now. So I just keep walking in yes with God. But it sucks. And I mean, really does.

Truth is, I was hopeful. I thought maybe we could work through it. But it didn't. Sometimes the only thing to do is walk away and see if they follow. If they do, then maybe it's really meant to be. If they don't...then it's not.

Love doesn't care about supposed incompatibility. It is sees the bad and wants to redeem it, not just overlook it. The reality is that I want someone who wants me. Not a space filler. Someone who can't live without me....But it just sucks when you find someone that you can't live without for more than 24 hours without trying to figure out what it's like to breathe again.

I'm going to miss him like oxygen. Because it was with him that I learned how to breathe again. It hurts my heart so deeply because It was because of him that I learned how to feel anything at all again.

This could destroy every good change in me in the last three years. I pray it doesn't. I don't want to get hard again, I don't want my heart to turn to stone again.

Hope is not lost completely, but I'm going to have a heck of a time finding out how to see it again, because he always guided me back to that. Like a compass pointing me north, he always showed me hope, showed me Jesus and let me find my way back. But not now.

And I didn't even get to say goodbye properly. And the tears won't stop falling. My poor pillow...she's tired of being wet when I fall asleep.

Now i need to get rid of this couch...and I'm wondering if that memory erasing thing in Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind works....

Le sigh. One final Le sigh.


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