here's what it feels like

When everything comes to a screeching halt .... when the world stops spinning for more than half a second.... when the oxygen is gone from the room.... when you feel like your heart can't remember how to beat....

who knew crying could make you feel like throwing up? who knew it would feel like someone took a piece of your soul and ran it through a paper shredder? who knew that the risk of trusting someone completely would end with me mourning? who knew that ashes and torn clothing would be my lot again? who knew that I would need to hold ice cubes on my eyes to stop my eyes from hurting and swelling from the tears shed? who knew that heart pain would translate into physical pain as if someone ripped a whole right through my chest?

why didn't anyone tell me these things? why didn't I put better barriers up? why did God let me let him in? why am I on this path that's familiar but far more painful than ever before? why do I still feel like throwing up? why can't I stop the tears from falling at the most random moments? why can't I be angry like everyone else? why don't I feel the same impassioned fight that everyone around me seems to feel? why do I have to watch my mom and dad suffer while they watch me go through this? why do my friends love me so much? why can't he see the truth of my heart when he believes in everyone else?

What was God thinking? What will healing look like? What can I do to be at peace? What does it mean to guard your heart after this? What can I say ? What am I allowed to think or believe? What do I do with the fact that I can't eat? What am I supposed to do when every movie or tune I hear makes me think of him? What do I do with memories that made me happier than any other moment in my life?

How do I get better? How can I not run away? How can I possibly put my focus on schoolwork at this point? How do I explain this to the people who love me so they don't hate him? How do I start eating again? How do I stop crying? How do I stop the pain? How do I not feel numb anymore?

Anyone got any suggestions? And why didn't y'all tell me this before? Why did I let the wall crumble only to find me far more vulnerable than I could imagine? How do I not re-erect these walls thicker than before? What on earth was I thinking that someone could actually want to be with me? How dare he encourage me that things would be good when they aren't now? When will it not feel like I need to throw up? When will the hole in my heart mend? How long will I have to wait for this to get better?

yeah....I asked.
no...I don't really need answers.

I just need to throw out those cosmic questions.

For the record, I do know that God is still Good. He is still on His throne. He still has me in the palm of His hand. He still has a good plan. He still loves me. No worries there. It just doesn't make any of this hurt any less.

Ok, crash and burn done....for tonight anyway.


on a brighter note, I'll have more fodder for writing now. unfortunately, it will likely be unhappy and lugubrious.


Popular Posts