Thankful Thursday (ed. 2.9)
It's Thursday, 9:45pm - and it's been a non-stop week since....well since last week sometime. I'm exhausted. Flat-out-100% exhausted and after a whole 5 or so days of sheer stress, insults & meltdowns, more school stress to add to the bag, along with late nights and early mornings, I'm having a hard time thinking of thankfulness tonight. which is the absolute most important reason why i'm here writing thankfuls.
This week's thankfuls are going to be odd ones, so just roll with it. It's about perspective, it's always about perspective!
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Today I'm Thankful for....
...tears...
last week I cried. a lot. someone close to me hurt me on more than one occasion and I felt like someone had taken a knife and driven it through my heart again. Stress overwhelmed me last week too, so I had a couple of meltdowns due to worry about the stressors in my life. My feelings were hurt, my emotions didn't quite recover and I cried. But I'm thankful for crying. See, there were several years of my life when my heart was so stoically stone-covered that I couldn't find room for tears. I didn't cry. If I did, it was private, short and usually out of anger more than sadness. The tears of last week, and of the last year and a half are reminders to me that God has done a remarkable healing in my heart to break open the stone heart and let me have my vulnerable heart back. Every tear that falls reminds me of that. So I'm thankful for tears.
...a job I do not care for...
I could sit here and complain about my job. There is a LOT that I do NOT like about my job - hours, inflexibility, ridiculous policies, boring, solitary, and ultimately unfulfilling work. But here's the thing, I'm thankful for this job. It's a JOB. I could be unemployed still. I could be in that cadre of people who are desperately seeking work. I'm also thankful that even in my dislike of the job, that God gives me time with him in the solitude of the work. In spite of the things I don't particularly find fulfilling, I recognize that my job could be a LOT worse, so I really cannot complain. And as I look at the people who I work with who have been there for years, I recognize the temporary-ness of this job for me is an uncommon grace, because for these men and women, this is their livelihood. I encountered a young girl who's been there since she was 18 and it's all she aspires to. God bless her for that. For me, I'm thankful for this season, in spite of the stress and frustration it can cause, because I know God has a hand in it.
...sappy love songs...
this week, I can't stop listening to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. It's a lovely song - a pure and unadulterated love song. Probably one of the sweetest I've heard in recent years, actually. It's odd, though....there is this line "all along, I believed, I would find you..." and something in me just cracks to shattered glass inside of me, because -- Honestly, I have not always believed. I believe more now than I did a year or so ago, but I still can't say I've always believed - there's been too much rejection, too much "nah, you're not awesome enough for me..." There's an element of the little girl who waits her turn at the slide and the boys keep coming around and shoving her to the ground, sometimes playing with her, sometimes being nice for a little while only to shove her down anyway. So with dirt on her dress, scars on her knees and hands, disheveled hair, and a tear stained face, she keeps getting up and getting in line for the slide anyway, because she sees the other kids gleefully flying down the exhilarating experience. It gives her hope. That's me with these stupidly sappy songs. They give me a ray of hope that it could happen. So, Christina Perri and the like...Thanks for writing about the experience, because maybe one day there's be a boy who won't take me by the hand only to shove me down again. I'm thankful for the hope of that.
...exhaustion...
I know you're thinking, "How could she possibly be thankful for being exhausted?" Well, I'm thankful because it means that there's a life being lived. I'm not sitting around being lazy, twiddling my thumbs. In the exhaustion, there's reason - I'm trying to fit ministry, school, family, friends, relationship with God, adult responsibilities, and work into a limited number of hours each week. Some things falter. But I keep on going, trying to do what I can accomplish as much as I can in the little time frame snatches I get. And then I usually get home at some point and crash hard. Sleep fewer hours than I should and start all over again the next day at 530am. I'm thankful though, after a conversation with my sweet friend in Indiana that suffers from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and is having a tough battle right now, that I have energy to actually accomplish this stuff. My body is not failing (well...mostly - it is starting to show signs of wear and tear) and I still have energy to get out of bed each morning to accomplish something else. There is huge grace in this and I'm so thankful for it.
....words...
One of my primary love languages (shocking) is words of encouragement and affirmation. In some relationships, people forget to, or assume I know what the think of me, how they feel about me, etc. But some people don't forget. And sometimes, just a little "Hey, I think you're pretty cool" is a nice encouraging way to kick off my day. Either way, I love the power of words in the lives of people. I use them often. Whether it's writing a blog to someone, a letter or message on FB or something witty via text to make someone laugh, these are all communiques of love. I'm thankful too, that God gets this about me, and fills HIS word with words of encouragement and affirmation so that I can be filled and pour out His love better on people. What a glorious thought - that words from him help me know I'm loved so that I can love you guys better. How can I not be thankful for that?
...ok, thats it for tonight, because my brain is slowly shutting down and my pillow is asking for some quality time....
Be thankful, appreciate beauty and think on beautiful things....oh and tell someone what they mean to you this week. Don't waste the opportunities given you.
This week's thankfuls are going to be odd ones, so just roll with it. It's about perspective, it's always about perspective!
_________________________________
Today I'm Thankful for....
...tears...
last week I cried. a lot. someone close to me hurt me on more than one occasion and I felt like someone had taken a knife and driven it through my heart again. Stress overwhelmed me last week too, so I had a couple of meltdowns due to worry about the stressors in my life. My feelings were hurt, my emotions didn't quite recover and I cried. But I'm thankful for crying. See, there were several years of my life when my heart was so stoically stone-covered that I couldn't find room for tears. I didn't cry. If I did, it was private, short and usually out of anger more than sadness. The tears of last week, and of the last year and a half are reminders to me that God has done a remarkable healing in my heart to break open the stone heart and let me have my vulnerable heart back. Every tear that falls reminds me of that. So I'm thankful for tears.
...a job I do not care for...
I could sit here and complain about my job. There is a LOT that I do NOT like about my job - hours, inflexibility, ridiculous policies, boring, solitary, and ultimately unfulfilling work. But here's the thing, I'm thankful for this job. It's a JOB. I could be unemployed still. I could be in that cadre of people who are desperately seeking work. I'm also thankful that even in my dislike of the job, that God gives me time with him in the solitude of the work. In spite of the things I don't particularly find fulfilling, I recognize that my job could be a LOT worse, so I really cannot complain. And as I look at the people who I work with who have been there for years, I recognize the temporary-ness of this job for me is an uncommon grace, because for these men and women, this is their livelihood. I encountered a young girl who's been there since she was 18 and it's all she aspires to. God bless her for that. For me, I'm thankful for this season, in spite of the stress and frustration it can cause, because I know God has a hand in it.
...sappy love songs...
this week, I can't stop listening to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. It's a lovely song - a pure and unadulterated love song. Probably one of the sweetest I've heard in recent years, actually. It's odd, though....there is this line "all along, I believed, I would find you..." and something in me just cracks to shattered glass inside of me, because -- Honestly, I have not always believed. I believe more now than I did a year or so ago, but I still can't say I've always believed - there's been too much rejection, too much "nah, you're not awesome enough for me..." There's an element of the little girl who waits her turn at the slide and the boys keep coming around and shoving her to the ground, sometimes playing with her, sometimes being nice for a little while only to shove her down anyway. So with dirt on her dress, scars on her knees and hands, disheveled hair, and a tear stained face, she keeps getting up and getting in line for the slide anyway, because she sees the other kids gleefully flying down the exhilarating experience. It gives her hope. That's me with these stupidly sappy songs. They give me a ray of hope that it could happen. So, Christina Perri and the like...Thanks for writing about the experience, because maybe one day there's be a boy who won't take me by the hand only to shove me down again. I'm thankful for the hope of that.
...exhaustion...
I know you're thinking, "How could she possibly be thankful for being exhausted?" Well, I'm thankful because it means that there's a life being lived. I'm not sitting around being lazy, twiddling my thumbs. In the exhaustion, there's reason - I'm trying to fit ministry, school, family, friends, relationship with God, adult responsibilities, and work into a limited number of hours each week. Some things falter. But I keep on going, trying to do what I can accomplish as much as I can in the little time frame snatches I get. And then I usually get home at some point and crash hard. Sleep fewer hours than I should and start all over again the next day at 530am. I'm thankful though, after a conversation with my sweet friend in Indiana that suffers from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and is having a tough battle right now, that I have energy to actually accomplish this stuff. My body is not failing (well...mostly - it is starting to show signs of wear and tear) and I still have energy to get out of bed each morning to accomplish something else. There is huge grace in this and I'm so thankful for it.
....words...
One of my primary love languages (shocking) is words of encouragement and affirmation. In some relationships, people forget to, or assume I know what the think of me, how they feel about me, etc. But some people don't forget. And sometimes, just a little "Hey, I think you're pretty cool" is a nice encouraging way to kick off my day. Either way, I love the power of words in the lives of people. I use them often. Whether it's writing a blog to someone, a letter or message on FB or something witty via text to make someone laugh, these are all communiques of love. I'm thankful too, that God gets this about me, and fills HIS word with words of encouragement and affirmation so that I can be filled and pour out His love better on people. What a glorious thought - that words from him help me know I'm loved so that I can love you guys better. How can I not be thankful for that?
...ok, thats it for tonight, because my brain is slowly shutting down and my pillow is asking for some quality time....
Be thankful, appreciate beauty and think on beautiful things....oh and tell someone what they mean to you this week. Don't waste the opportunities given you.
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