Sometimes melancholy threatens to overwhelm me in various forms, and to assuage that threatening, I often write about something. Tonight, creeping up on me are things that I miss so much that I think my heart my shatter from the missing.
**I miss singing. To hear music and to unleash all my heart, my emotion without abandon - I miss that. On some levels, I feel like it was stolen from me, but other days I know it is just a pause. Whatever the case may be, this week, I want to unleash all the things bottled up inside of me in a song....a song I still can't quite find the music to yet.
**I miss sunsets. Weird, because they happen everyday. But I haven't chased a sunset in awhile. I've not sat in speechless awe at the sky going from bright to grey to firey orange to dusky blue and finally surrendering to indigo night. The vast Texas sunset skies could make me break into weeping tears or stun me into stupid silence. I miss those sunsets.
**I miss the letters. The little blue box from facebook would pop up and tell me I had a message. My little heart would skip a beat and there was a new letter assuring me that I was worth the time it took to set down and write several paragraphs. I miss the discovery of unearthing some hidden treasure of personality through a letter like that, the vast vulnerability that came through with each typed word. I knew the choices were deliberate, the topics carefully chosen to further another letter and another. I miss that deliberation. I miss getting those letters.
**I miss late nights. Sometimes I miss working third shift - not because I miss the schedule, or because I miss the work. What I miss was the late night talks I would have with my friends. Conversations late into the night about anything and everything. Oh how I miss the conversations that made the sometimes interminable night disappear as if it was just an hour and saying goodnight at 3am because my friends have to go to bed. Oh how I miss late night conversations.
**I miss being wanted. It happened once - when someone wanted to be with me, thought I was special and pretty and worth the effort. It didn't last long, just about two months. He wasn't right, he wasn't special and he certainly wasn't God's best. But he wanted to be with me. No one ever has before or since. He wanted to hold my hand and be near me - for a short time anyway....sometimes I miss that and wish someone felt that way now.
**I miss my safety walls. The ones I laid so faithfully with brick and mortar to protect and keep out the emotional fallout of caring. I miss not feeling anything because the depth of what I feel now sometimes threatens to overtake me and wash me away. There are things I feel now that before would just stay tucked away in a nice compartment behind the wall. Now, it's visible - I wear what I feel on my face, and in my eyes if you look closely. Sometimes I wish I had my heart of stone back, because it was easier then to give some things up for lost and carry on. But now, there's far to much to feel, far too much to wear...My safety walls are gone and on occasion, I wish they weren't and that I wasn't left wide open with a vulnerable heart.
Well, my, my, my....I don't know what to do with this that just poured out. For now it will be published, but I might take it down soon as it was just the musings of a dank and empty night.