All the Terror and Exhilaration
"A dreamer is one who can find his way by moonlight
and his punishment is that he sees dawn before the rest of the world."
~ Oscar Wilde ~
Sometimes I think I'm nothing but a dreamer. Sometimes I wish I were more of one. Recently, I had a friend who was impossibly logical, which, I might add, drove me slightly nuts (in a good way). When it comes to life, I try not to logic too much. When it comes to God, even less. I rest not on my own understanding anymore. It does me no good.
The curse of some semblance of intelligence is the desperate need to needle my way through the 'figuring out' of things. People's motivations, purposes, sayings, actions, etc. I've learned, however in recent months, that no matter how well I know a person, I will never be able to fathom their words, actions or behaviors most times. So I need to let them be who they are. Give them the rope to go on their way if they choose. It's a choice, you know, to keep or destroy relationships. I'd keep every one if I were allowed. Because once a person has made their way into my heart, they are there for good. Nothing ever shifts or changes about the love, the heart-strings tied to them. Even the people I've not spoken to for years, I still care deeply for them.
Between these two traits, the desire to understand and figure out and the fact that my heart is forever tied to any human I care about are truly my undoing. They cause and have caused over the years an infinite amount of heart-ache, pain and shredding. By the same token, there's been much joy, happiness and fun as a result of the same things. But some things are mysterious. My heart is a mystery sometimes to even me. How I can be walking along happy as a clam in the deep sea and feel a sudden sting of sadness as I recall the loss, the moments of wrath poured out from someone I love, or even just a stray memory flitting by. Sometimes it's fleeting, other times, it's suffocating.
Passion runs deep in this heart of mine...my dream is that every person I love would respect, honor and cherish the love I give...but I've learned, too that this is not ever really possible. Maybe people don't deserve the way I love. In fact, I think few do - which is why I love the way I do - those who deserve it least, they need it most. It makes me wonder how God feels when we reject his love for us. When I do - which, I admit, I am guilty of daily. All I want to do for those people is to love them and for them to let me. And God is the same way....and we push him away because....well who knows why, really?
Ultimately, I'm comfortable with God not being logical. I'm comfortable with not being able to give an empirical answer to when and how God speaks to my heart. But when He does, I know. I wish I would accept people the same way. I wish I could accept that people just are going to refuse to be loved even when you do your damnedest to love them well and ensure they know it. Then there are others who do know it, accept it and don't quite know how to respond. I love that, because it's an honor to show God's love to people in that way...to teach them how to love well by loving well.
I'm not perfect at it. I get tired, grumpy, irritated at stupid things and lash out when I get this way. I need to learn to love better. I'm thankful that God is a perfect example....and I've learned that when I accept HIS love, I love others better too.
So let me be a dreamer, a lover. Let me see dawn before others....let me know Light. Let me know Love. It's all my heart desires. Give me all the terror and exhilaration of love....let me dwell deeply in the brightness or darkness...let the passion allow me to be present in loving - both in giving and receiving. May I be satisfied with nothing but a perfect Love.