So, I'm sitting here at 1am stewing. I can't sleep. There is too much on my heart and mind tonight. The things I love always turn into ash in my hands. Nothing I love, nothing I care for ever lasts. Friendships fall to pieces, ministries I love to work in never fail to find new ways to destroy me, boys inevitably reject me. So far in the last four months, I've had one friend walk away from me with what feels like permanence, found a new way to leave something I love because God told me to (for my own protection I think), and now I sit wondering if the last in the big threes has come.
Will I find myself rejected once again? Will I spend the next two years trying to glue together pieces of a shattered heart? Will the walls that had been knocked down in the last six month be reconstructed in one fell swoop? These are the things I fear.
Relentlessly, the tears have fallen this week and I cannot seem to stem the tide of the salt. Maybe things were too happy for too long - hard to imagine only a few months being "too long" but so it would seem that I cannot go for more than a few months without something rocking my world. When I am afraid, I cry. When I'm insecure, I cry. When I am hurting, I cry. When I am angry I cry.
Tonight, it's a little bit of all of these things. But He's carrying me through it anyway. He holds my tears in a bottle accord to Psal 56, so let 'em fall, I guess. He'll catch each one. And I hope somehow he'll get glory through all this fear, all this insecurity, all this hurt. I need Him more than ever and I just have to hang on to Him and His promises to me with an iron grip.