a Voice for the Single Christian at Christmas
The red cups are here! You know what that means - The supposedly most wonderful time of the year is upon us! It is time to put up a tree, bake cookies and pies., smell piney wonderful smells, buy, wrap and open gifts, listen to music of a festive nature, go see lights, watch christmas movies cuddled on the couch with your family, all of these wonderful holiday-ish things.
I love Christmas. My birthday is just before it, so I've always reveled in all the Christmas things. But it wasn't always easy. If you know me, I was a prolonged single person in Evangelical Christian churches. That is ....difficult. The median age of single people outside of evangelical circles is far above the 30 year mark. So, my story of not married until 35, that is normal and acceptable to my large city friends, non-evangelical friends. But for someone who was over 30 and in church where family is put in almost god-like status, it's not easy. And my experience was not singular. It is almost as if once you hit 25 and you are not popping out babies or have a pretty diamond ring accompanied by mason jar wedding pictures, you've failed to unlock that life achievement. I jest, to an extent. Single-hood isn't all bad. But it's hard for those living single in the Church. And the holidays...well, your single friends won't tell you, but the holidays are hard.
Look, they're going to brave face it. They're going to go to holiday parties and smile, and visit your family gatherings and smile. They're going to post to Instagram cozy pics of christmas lights, a glass of wine (maybe), cuddles with their pet, christmas lights with friends, etc. It's going to look like the holidays are glorious. And you know what? It is a happy time. They'll get to go home to be with their own families or with those who care for them. But it's still a hard season.
They go home to sleep alone.
They go home to cuddle that puppy or kitty and wonder if they'll get to snuggle with another human.
They go home to families who are going to ask endless invasive questions about relationships.
They are going to have their kids time split (if they're divorced) and be torn up to not have a full holiday with their babies.
They are going to spend some nights crying or wanting to cry.
They are going to spend holiday time with nieces & nephews & wonder if they will ever get to have their own kids.
They are going to spend holiday time with married siblings, cousins and feel like the outside.
They are going to spend the first holiday without a significant other - some b/c of a breakup, divorce, etc. And that will be painful.
They are going to face all the dreams they want put right in front of them and they will have to smile in spite of it.
There will be brave faces, fake smiles, awkward laughter at the "when is it your turn?" questions.
There will be some folks who don't want a relationship and they are ok being alone. And the questions still awkward and uncomfortable.
There might be accusations of selfishness for those career focused singles.
There might be awkward forced interactions with children that are unwanted.
Look, holidays are hard for regular humans. Introverts struggle because people are overwhelming. Extroverts struggle because they don't get introverts. Extended family time can be difficult.
So can I ask you something, for my single friends who will grin and bear it? And coming from someone who was beyond weary of it by my 35th Christmas, trust me....hear me out.
Be kind.
Don't ask the questions you want to ask.
Don't crack jokes about that ex, singlehood, career over family.
Don't treat the single people in your life as if it's their fault they are single.
Give of your heart & hearth - offer to have them stay with you during the nights that are darkest, hardest and loneliest.
Empathize & try to remember how you felt (if you can)
Ask them to come cook with you for potluck meals.
Invite them into your family's tradition times
Listen to their story with heart.
Reach out to those who lost a love this year - break ups are hard enough. The holidays that follow are harder. Also don't forget those singles who lost family members this year.
Look for those divorced parents who aren't going to be with their kids, invite them in.
Be empathetic in the BIG ways.
Be kind in big ways, small ways and every way you can think of.
Look for ways to BE Jesus to your brothers & sisters who are probably silently hurting.
Look for ways to lean into to these people's lives.
They need you.
I needed people like this.
I still do - we all do, really, but I tell you, single people....they will never speak these things. They are not going to tell you that your invasive, stupid questions are uncomfortable. They won't tell you that they feel laughed at or that those jokes sting a little more around Christmastime. They aren't going to tell you they are hurting because they can't be with their kids. They aren't going to tell you that they don't regret breaking up with their ex but really would give anything to have someone to go to a holiday party with or not have to spend late nights alone watching Christmas movies about happy ever after endings. They just will smile, and probably text their single friend and they will commiserate together about how lonely and hard it is to be single at Christmas. Trust me, I had many of those conversations. And I didn't have a pet to cuddle.
Celebrate the holidays but celebrate everyone's experience.
Jesus is present for the married couple with toddlers, teenagers and babies as much as he is for the lonely older woman never married, and the single dad who's life has been stolen from him by "justice" doled out by family court.
Remember everyone, however humble their state.
The stable was the humblest of all and it was for all.
I love Christmas. My birthday is just before it, so I've always reveled in all the Christmas things. But it wasn't always easy. If you know me, I was a prolonged single person in Evangelical Christian churches. That is ....difficult. The median age of single people outside of evangelical circles is far above the 30 year mark. So, my story of not married until 35, that is normal and acceptable to my large city friends, non-evangelical friends. But for someone who was over 30 and in church where family is put in almost god-like status, it's not easy. And my experience was not singular. It is almost as if once you hit 25 and you are not popping out babies or have a pretty diamond ring accompanied by mason jar wedding pictures, you've failed to unlock that life achievement. I jest, to an extent. Single-hood isn't all bad. But it's hard for those living single in the Church. And the holidays...well, your single friends won't tell you, but the holidays are hard.
Look, they're going to brave face it. They're going to go to holiday parties and smile, and visit your family gatherings and smile. They're going to post to Instagram cozy pics of christmas lights, a glass of wine (maybe), cuddles with their pet, christmas lights with friends, etc. It's going to look like the holidays are glorious. And you know what? It is a happy time. They'll get to go home to be with their own families or with those who care for them. But it's still a hard season.
They go home to sleep alone.
They go home to cuddle that puppy or kitty and wonder if they'll get to snuggle with another human.
They go home to families who are going to ask endless invasive questions about relationships.
They are going to have their kids time split (if they're divorced) and be torn up to not have a full holiday with their babies.
They are going to spend some nights crying or wanting to cry.
They are going to spend holiday time with nieces & nephews & wonder if they will ever get to have their own kids.
They are going to spend holiday time with married siblings, cousins and feel like the outside.
They are going to spend the first holiday without a significant other - some b/c of a breakup, divorce, etc. And that will be painful.
They are going to face all the dreams they want put right in front of them and they will have to smile in spite of it.
There will be brave faces, fake smiles, awkward laughter at the "when is it your turn?" questions.
There will be some folks who don't want a relationship and they are ok being alone. And the questions still awkward and uncomfortable.
There might be accusations of selfishness for those career focused singles.
There might be awkward forced interactions with children that are unwanted.
Look, holidays are hard for regular humans. Introverts struggle because people are overwhelming. Extroverts struggle because they don't get introverts. Extended family time can be difficult.
So can I ask you something, for my single friends who will grin and bear it? And coming from someone who was beyond weary of it by my 35th Christmas, trust me....hear me out.
Be kind.
Don't ask the questions you want to ask.
Don't crack jokes about that ex, singlehood, career over family.
Don't treat the single people in your life as if it's their fault they are single.
Give of your heart & hearth - offer to have them stay with you during the nights that are darkest, hardest and loneliest.
Empathize & try to remember how you felt (if you can)
Ask them to come cook with you for potluck meals.
Invite them into your family's tradition times
Listen to their story with heart.
Reach out to those who lost a love this year - break ups are hard enough. The holidays that follow are harder. Also don't forget those singles who lost family members this year.
Look for those divorced parents who aren't going to be with their kids, invite them in.
Be empathetic in the BIG ways.
Be kind in big ways, small ways and every way you can think of.
Look for ways to BE Jesus to your brothers & sisters who are probably silently hurting.
Look for ways to lean into to these people's lives.
They need you.
I needed people like this.
I still do - we all do, really, but I tell you, single people....they will never speak these things. They are not going to tell you that your invasive, stupid questions are uncomfortable. They won't tell you that they feel laughed at or that those jokes sting a little more around Christmastime. They aren't going to tell you they are hurting because they can't be with their kids. They aren't going to tell you that they don't regret breaking up with their ex but really would give anything to have someone to go to a holiday party with or not have to spend late nights alone watching Christmas movies about happy ever after endings. They just will smile, and probably text their single friend and they will commiserate together about how lonely and hard it is to be single at Christmas. Trust me, I had many of those conversations. And I didn't have a pet to cuddle.
Celebrate the holidays but celebrate everyone's experience.
Jesus is present for the married couple with toddlers, teenagers and babies as much as he is for the lonely older woman never married, and the single dad who's life has been stolen from him by "justice" doled out by family court.
Remember everyone, however humble their state.
The stable was the humblest of all and it was for all.
Comments
Post a Comment