How We Escape the Goblin Kings of this World, Pt 1

Greetings, sweet readers.
What a tremendous gift I've been given. Some of you may remember a post I did back in April for my ex's exes. That post gained a bit of readership, including the women I wrote to (except for one or two). They each reached out to me, I gained a sister in each as we discussed privately the truth of common experience. Without fail, each had their own version of the same story. Now, we do not need to talk about or trash Goblin King himself. He does that on his own, by token of the damages done to so many beautiful hearts. But we did gain friends in each other. If nothing else we know he had incredible taste in women because each of my friends are stunning human beings with the most amazing spirit I've encountered in women. I adore each of them & consider them each a gift to me.

In the past 6 months, we have strengthened our bonds and one of them suggested I let them tell their stories. Give them a place to speak their experience - So that's how the series "How we Escape the Goblin Kings of this World" began. Because as today's guest writer said  "the OG GK" is not unique or alone in his abusive ways.

Without further adieu - Today's guest post is by my new friend Haylee - she wasn't included in my post but I got to connect with for the first time through one of the lovelies. Her and my story with the OG GK were tangential for about a hot minute and I always knew she'd be great to know and SHE IS - so I am honored to get to offer her space to share her heart, her story.

I’m Haylee…and I have my own Goblin King. The archetype is everywhere. As narcissists, they prey on empathetic or hurting hearts. I could’ve been one of this GK’s victims (and almost was), but a friendship saved me from it. That same friendship opened up relationships with other amazing women who had been fooled and used and broken by the whims of someone’s lust and ego. One of those friendships happens to be with the author of this awesome blog.

When I was younger, I spent many years caught between a craving to be loved and the revulsion that comes from feeling like a target instead of a person to the guys around me. I experienced so much rejection from my peers. I always felt like an outsider. When I was 19, I broke up with a guy who I had been in mutual-liking with for years before a short-lived relationship. I thought we were partners in crime. I had chosen not to date in high school to focus on my spiritual and academic goals and when we got together, I thought “this is it.” Looking back- I know I wouldn’t have been happy in that relationship. I love having big career goals, I don’t want to be a mom, and I don’t want to drive a minivan. (I think those can be beautiful life choices for those whose heart is in it, but it would not be my niche). In any case, the death of that dream sent me into a tailspin of self-loathing and despair.

I became a directionless, flaky, self-involved mess. I thank God my rebellious phase wasn’t as bad as some- I didn’t sleep around or do drugs. But I did stay out all night. I did drink too much. I did give my heart (and honestly, my lips) away too easily. Besides the inevitable heartbreak that comes with treating your mind, body, and soul in such a careless fashion; I became seriously damaged. I became desperate for the approval of a ‘special someone.’ I blocked out anything that interfered with my empty lifestyle. I even had a dream about my GK before he had wrecked me- when we were just dipping our toes in the water. I really felt like God was saying ‘walk away.’ I wrote him a letter, telling him I believed it wasn’t a good idea for us to see each other. I encouraged him to remember who he was and that he could do great things. That lasted a few months. Then I put ‘good times’ over doing what was right. What followed, ironically, were many horrible, painful, ugly times. He wasn’t the only one to use me or hurt me, but he became a central point in so many of the worst times of my life…and I let him. I have to actively forgive even still, but I don’t think I’m being naïve when I say that I don’t think he had or has any idea on the amount of destruction he wrought. I don’t know if that makes it easier or harder than it would be with someone trying to play ‘puppet master’ with the people around him.

I fell into the same traps as many. Oh, he thinks most girls are stupid and disposable, but he likes me. Other girls want him, but he likes me. Nevermind that ‘liking me’ looked like refusing to call us anything. Nevermind that he was hesitant to tell his parents we were involved. Nevermind that it meant a lot of meeting behind closed doors. Nevermind that he actually spent quite a bit of time doing things that made me say “But why doesn’t he like me???” It was kind of a cat and mouse thing: lavish with attention, then withdraw. He poured out his heart to me- fears, worries, hurt. What I didn’t realize then was that he didn’t want to hear anything about where I had been or what I was experiencing. When I tried to withdraw, he punished me by pulling me in again—then dating someone else. He pushed my physical boundaries, but I “felt safe” because he at least still knew what my boundaries were. One day, even that very foolish assumption was proven incorrect. My level of trust for most men is still basically non-existent. I hope one day that changes.

Through all of the nights lying to my parents about where I was (passing out on the couch after a house party with his friends), drunken sobfests, angsty songwriting, wondering if this kind of heinously dysfunctional situation was the best I could do with the opposite sex, feeling like the most pathetic and unwanted creature on earth; I completely hated everything that looked like love…while still holding out hope for it.

When I met the person that has inspired some of these blog entries (the OG GK…too many abbreviations?), I was really trying to set these experiences aside and return to the good and noble things. It helped that my GK was living elsewhere. This guy seemed charming and seemed to be interested in me, but there was something underneath that I recognized the longer things continued. Firstly, I didn’t feel good about myself. Though he was pretty good with superficial compliments, something in the way he interacted with others made me feel more unworthy (not necessarily for him, but just in general). All of my insecurities about not being pure enough or kind enough or disciplined enough crept up into our interactions. As I mentioned before, I have no doubt advantage would’ve been taken of these insecurities. I have observed too many issues to believe otherwise. However, I said a friendship saved me- and that’s true!

Turns out that even at that pitiful time of my life, I had learned from a key mistake in my previous ‘relationship’ (seems a tame word for a tumultuous, destructive, hideous mindf*ck…but that’s the best I’ve got). I learned that if someone is trashing another girl or causing her pain…he will probably do the same to you. This woman who saved me was close friends with him at the time. She also seemed to have feelings for him. At every turn, he took advantage of her friendship. He criticized her, told her she was “too much,” and purposefully showered praise on every woman in the room who was not her. If she asked him to do something, he’d say he was ‘busy’- but if he found out that I had been involved in her plans, he scolded her for not letting him know. I guess he would’ve changed his plans, then? Wow, what a guy. He probably didn’t like not being there to control the narrative between us. In any case, I am proud to say I didn’t fall for the trap of listening to him about who this woman was. I got to know her for myself. And she was strong, giving, caring, adorable, funny, supportive…in short, everything I really needed in a friend. Frankly, she was also more fun than him! I credit her with saving me. She became a friend to me when she could’ve treated me like an enemy. And she revealed this guy’s true character by sheer contrast. Where he was evasive, she was present. Where he was vague, she was honest. And where he was self-absorbed, she was self-sacrificing. She didn’t realize at the time- but she showed me the importance of opening my heart to friendships with women and how powerful the results are when we stop trying to compete with one another. We can save each other a lot of heartache.

I’ll sum up this [probably too verbose] guest entry with how I escaped my own GK. I didn’t. Not on my own, anyway. God delivered me from my self-destruction. I truly believe it. After years of messy, ugly spans of non-relationships, I was spending time with my GK again (casually and rarely, of course, because he didn’t have time for more than that). He invited me to the event where I met my husband. I have so many regrettable moments, but the Father took my screw-ups and turned them into a path to healing and fulfillment. I met the man who loved the unconventional pieces of me. He didn’t feel threatened by my strong qualities. He valued me instead of treating me like an option. In fact, it scared me to death to get close to him and to fall in love so fast. I almost ran away. I was terrified to be broken again. But we found healing in each other. My GK still tried to cause damage in our relationship- whether he realized what he was doing or not. Thankfully we didn’t take the bait. And thankfully he is 100% out of our lives now.

“Dropping a man from the sky” isn’t necessarily the way healing comes for everyone. Haha. In fact, my healing is still happening. The fear, the hatred, the anger, the insecurities, the mental and sexual damage, the complete brokenness that came from this guy (and MY foolishness) didn’t just go away. From time to time, bitterness rears its ugly head. I have to keep forgiving him and forgiving myself. I have to remember to reach out instead of reaching inward. People all around us are being used and abused. We have to support them. We have to believe them. We have to stop calling women “crazy” based on the word of some guy. We have to be honest with them (remember, it takes two to tango). We have to stop competing and love each other. That’s how we find joy. That’s how we find confidence. That’s how we escape the Goblin Kings of this world. And that’s how we overcome.