It has to be worth it. All this pain.
I woke up this morning thankful in infinite ways that I have Easter week and the ultimate act of love and determination of my worth to focus on. If not, I don't know where I'd be right now. Between the True Love of my sweet Jesus, the hands that have held me in this darkness, the overwhelming flood and realization of lies, betrayal and hurt that resulted & the (sometimes annoying) gift of discernment to see clearly what had happened before it was ever clearly stated to me - I know My Beloved Savior has had His hand on me all week.
Last week, this wasn't a thought in my head. I had started Monday, the 26th thinking it would, but found rest, peace and trust. Ironic what seven days can do. In my case it was less than that. Far less. But I'm sitting now, ten days from that horrible turned beautiful day that I wrote about. And I'm in shock. I've been betrayed. I've been lied to. Blamed. Accused. Insulted. Condemned. It's like a bomb went off in my heart. And I sat in the aftermath with a friend, we looked at the wreck of things and kinda had to go, "ok, where's Jesus in this?"
We found him in a lot of ways. Too many to name. But I'm still looking. Because each morning I wake up in the aftermath of this whole thing, I shudder at the pain, I look at myself and blame myself for being a fool and a thousand other things. I'm hanging on to TRUTH with a death grip, because if I let my grip slip for a second , I fall to pieces. Why did this happen? I have lots of speculations. Lots. But I'm not going to focus on that.
I'm going to run hard to my Jesus, rest on His love. Know and trust that all this going to be worth it, one day. For every single person involved. There's been a huge swath of destruction accomplished and it's not over yet. I'm on my face with Jesus every single day about that. It is ugly. But I know God takes ugly and does good things. He's already given me one rose in the ashes - a beautiful and unexpected friendship that I'm going to cherish.
God makes all things new.