How to Throw a Good Pity Party

You know, with the holidays upon us, there are numerous articles on how to throw a stellar holiday party or be a great hostess. But seriously, what's a holiday season without a few pity parties? I mean, without pity parties, how would the world continue to spin? And as usually, magazines and webzines tend to find experts on how to throw a proper holiday party, I figure I might utilize my expert pity party throwing skills to assist you in the throwing of your own pity party.

I've become quite good at pity parties. 30 years worth of disappointments, hopes dashed and general brattiness makes me quite a good candidate, I think. I might even invest in balloons and streamers for the next big bash. So, to make your holiday a little better, here's how to throw a kicker of a pity party.

1. DO Throw reality & good perspective out the window.
Really, this is the first and most important way to throw yourself a pity party of the grandest kind. Remove all voices of reason from your head, listen not to sound or wise wisdom. Simply Live in a alternate reality of your own making where whatever it is you're pitying yourself for makes itself bigger than any other problem in the world, including wars, famines, starvation, homelessness, the economic crash of the year, or whatever other major tragedy may strike.

2. DO Focus on the Negative.
Oh yes, here's the beautiful cupcakes and appetizer of a pity party. You must feast on negativity. No positive vibes, friends or words allowed. Complaining, whining, kicking and screaming can also can be added to drinks to liven things up. Why ruin a perfectly good party with happiness, joy or otherwise lightness of spirit? The feast of a Pity Party cannot be complete without bitterness, morose attitudes and general spitefulness. Totally throw out any thought of blessings, good things or joys in your life and trade all that in for every negative thing you can manage to think of, even your dirty socks.

3. DO wear a scowl, a sad or angry face throughout the party.

You really cannot be properly dressed for a pity party without this. I mean, hats, scarves, nice clothing - all good. But really, a good pity party without the proper attire is generally considered bad form. Let's remember the cues. The feast of negativity are just incomplete without a scowl of the best kind. So make sure you check the mirror for a furrowed brow, or a downtrod sadness of face. Yes, that'll make sure everyone is aware of your state of self-pity.

4. DO NOT put Truth anywhere in your mind.
Oh, this is SO extremely important. Any kind of truth must be kept out at all costs. That darn truth seems to want to upend the whole fun of a pity party, so make sure you lock that sucker out. God's word should carefully be put away with all bible study material, podcasts of encouragement, and oh certainly you must somehow mentally block all scripture from entering your mind. This is a hard task, as that sneaky little Holy Spirit really tries to sneak in with reminders of how Good God is, how much He loves you, etc. You've got to keep that stuff out of your head. Make sure you dwell in lies that keep you on track with your pity party.

5. DO be Monstrously selfish and petulant.

You cannot have a great pity party without this. Selfishness is disco of a Pity Party. It's where you dance, and find any kind of joviality at a pity party. It's got to be ALL about you, because, well life IS all about you, right? Dwell in self, forget other people exist. Be sure to step on toes, hurt those around you with insensitivity, bitterness at past hurts, lash out at those around you and generally be a brat. This is the one true way to make sure your pity party stays precisely on track. To think about others at all is truly a great way to derail your party, so make sure all your brain power dwells on yourself and how miserable you are. Throw a temper tantrum, go ahead, act like a spoiled brat who didn't his or her way, pout and be excessively attention seeking about it too. This is where Social media really helps. Post statuses and tweets that tell the world how sorry you are for yourself. Aye, there's the rub. Be selfish.

Well, happy Pity Partying to you, I hope you find the advice to be helpful and beneficial. Don't forget to grab some balloons that will pop and you can cry about those, and maybe some streamers that you can tear down in anger and throw on the floor. Yes, that ought to do it.


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