Mother's Day Reflection
My 2 year wedding anniversary is in 4 days and I'm so glowy about it, I'll prob splash some good on you next post. :)
I have a scab I need to rip off and let bleed for a minute. It needs some light, some healing and acknowledgement.
Mother's Day is in 2 days.
I don't feel like a Mom.
I'm step-mom and some days, I don't even feel like that most days.
It's hard to feel like a mom when you enter a young man's life at 15 and he treats you mostly like he's your equal and that's OK with everyone around you.
Or maybe it's because teenagers are know it all's and condescending to all adults (it's not exclusive, thankfully). And the connection here is that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship where I was treated like a little girl, condescended, tolerated and mocked behind my back. So shadows of things the young man in my house does are so triggering for me....so painful to sort through. And let me be clear: this is about how I feel, my baggage and not the teenager. He's great and I love him. But let me say that the shades of the abusive relationship I was in before echo throughout everything I have in life still.
And I don't really know how to exist on Mother's day, as a step-mom. There aren't many people to acknowledge the step-moms of the world. I don't expect it, I never did.
My parents do, but you know. Mom and Dad always love you and would celebrate you if it was ice cream day (if that's not one of those made up holidays, it should be)
And to be honest, I remember as a young girl, watching a dear friend struggle and skip church on Mother's Day because she never had children & it was a painful thing to be on the outside of that. I get it now. I don't have children of my own, and never will. This isn't painful much anymore, but it's a place that's still soft to the touch. Don't be sad about this, I have a lot of love to give and I get to spread it across a wild set of nephews, nieces, grandbabies, friend's babies and on and on. It's my gift to love them ALL.
But - as a step-mom, there are boundaries - invisible lines you can't cross - so I give and help my Stepson by cards and gifts for his mom for holidays like Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day. I'd do for her birthday too if I knew what it was. Holidays have always been important to me, so I can pass on something useful and good to a young man who maybe needs help learning that holidays are significant.
In the mean time, I get kinda lost in the shifting sands of Mother's Day and Step-momming. Some days it's painful. Some days it's joyful. Some days, it's hard (a lot, if I'm honest), and some days I feel the wins.
So I take the good, the bad and the hurts and the Mother's Days and I make the most of them.
I use what I know - writing - and speak truth and hopefully offer some "Me too" moments to other step moms or childless moms.
So here it is, on the eve of Mother's day....Step-Mom sisters, Childless Sisters....There's beauty in the moment. This is a day I take to acknowledge every single woman who's had a hand in my personal growth from childhood to adult hood and my husband's. I take all the "I don't know how to be a step mom or a childless woman on Mother's Day" and channel it back to people who I can love, and give and give and give. As an older single woman who hated Valentine's Day, that's how I changed the meaning of that ugly day for me. I gave and gave and gave away until it became a day of such joy and happiness that even to this day, I LOVE showering anyone I can with love that day. I'm going to do the same here.
This is how I find joy. This is how the bleeding stops. This is how Jesus gets to be honored - as I redeem the broken pieces in my own life this way.
The choice is mine. The Joy is mine and yours to take.
Give me a few years and the tears might subside on Mother's Day but I will take it back. The way I did before.