You call it Perspective

In four months, I'll turn 34. If things progress as they have, I'll still be single when that happens.

And I'm ok with that.

Is this what I want? Not really. I have always wanted a family, a spouse, etc. That whole mysteriously amazing and frustrating and hard thing that people call marriage - I'd like that. I always have. But is it necessary to live and really live? No.

Recently, I've had a slew of conversations about this. From the "Be content where you are," advice (also known as a placation), to a celebratory "we get to travel whenever and where ever we want" with a single friend.

Last night, I read a tweet from a lovely college gal that said "Singleness is an opportunity not a condition" - which at face value sounds spot on. And for the most part, I agree. But I did point out that given ten additional years of singleness and broken hearts and relationships later...I wondered if her thought would be the same.

Let me be honest, my perspective on singleness has changed & shifted like a chameleon over the last 14 years. It is likely to continue.

In this journey of singleness - there are a few things I need to point out.

  • Modern Christians place far too much emphasis on relational and familial status. Immediately after meeting me, most Christians ask if I have kids, am married, have a boyfriend, etc. Sometimes these questions are innocent (usually are) - but they source from a deep place of "this is what is good and right and you don't fit into that box." 
  • We tell single people to be content, get some "perspective" or any number of attempts which make them feel like their (good and God-given) desires are wrong. This diminishes the heart & demeans them. 
  • Because of these first two things, Singles feel forced into affinity groups - single ones - and feed on negativity, become vulnerable for false emotional ties to people who will only stick around as long as they are single and then move on quickly when they marry. I have a whole gamut of issues with singles groups in general - but that's another soap box. 
  • God's heart is for orphans and widows. Are not single people suited to be either of those? The divorced woman who's husband left her with kids to support and no means to do so? The Single person living a solitary and alone life who eats alone most meals? Are they not orphans? Where are the families that take these people in, that Christ calls the church to be?
  • Compassion & Grace. Two markers that should earmark Christians somehow fall short with single people. Is there a solution? I don't know. I pray for it daily. 
If you're single and reading this - let me tell you somethings
  1.  Your singleness is not "an opportunity" - your LIFE is. Live it fully. 
  2. Loving someone takes practice - Love those around you. 
  3. Find a family who will take you in as part of them - There is healing & truth in this. 
  4. Resist anything that fosters selfishness, self-focus, or anything self-related actually. - GIVE. 
  5. Know this - You are not alone & You are loved. 
  6. Be grateful for your life and be present wherever God has you. 
  7. Your desires are not false, do not need to be "fixed" or changed. 
  8. Pray. There is no greater tool in this life to change your heart. 
  9. Dig deep and lean hard on God. He is Enough, I promise. 
  10. Don't ever give up Hope. There is always Hope. Always. 
Have I been the perfect single person? No. 

I've whined, complained, kicked and screamed, wept, been angry, been content, been happier than a bird with a french fry. I've been everywhere on this journey. But I still have Hope. 

And I have people who love me. And I have a God who is bigger than all of this. 

Who loves you. 
His compassion is endless. 

You call it perspective? I call it Peace. 


  1. There is so much emphasis on marriage and family in the church that many single men and women wonder whether it is possible to be single and satisfied. Well, it is not only possible to be single and live a fulfilled life, it is sinful to be otherwise. That is, if you are single and unhappy in the role God has given you, you do yet have a complete handle on God’s Kingdom view of singleness.
    Unfortunately, the church has helped fuel a sense of incompleteness by its great emphasis on family. There is nothing wrong with emphasizing family. There is something wrong with making singles feel like second-class citizens in the kingdom.
    In fact, we pastors often unconsciously fuel the discontent of single believers by helping singles to cope with their singleness. God doesn’t simply want single people to cope. He wants them to succeed.
    Someone has said that marriage is like flies on a screen door. Those on the outside are trying to get in, and those on the inside are trying to get out.
    As a pastor, I often talk to singles who are frustrated because they’re not married. Then I meet with married folks who are frustrated because they’re no longer single. The point is that both single and married people need to stop trying to cope with their marital status and start living for the kingdom.
    I’ve been married more than forty years, so single readers might wonder how I could understand the pain and struggle they are feeling. I agree that I am not an expert on the single life, so I reference two people who were—the apostle Paul and Jesus Christ in this helpful, FREE downloadable eBook: Single & Satisfied. Get yours here:

    Single and Satisfied - FREE e-Book
    An e-book on being single and satisfied from Dr. Tony Evans based on the writings of two singles: the Apostle Paul and Jesus.


Post a Comment

Popular Posts