Feels a Little Bit Like Dancing
You ever have one of those days that starts off so badly, you're not sure you even want to put your feet on the ground? Yeah, I had one of those. I woke up, from what I presume must have been some kind of nightmare/panic attack. Remember last year when that was normal? Yeah....it was just like that. And the crushing pain of heartbreak swelled over me all over again - even though it was just a phantom come back to haunt me, and not based in reality at all.
The thing is, though, sometimes what is reality and what you're feeling sometimes don't add up. Especially after you've been sick for too long and someone gets a wee bit honest with you and you swallow back fear in commitment to trust without question. Admitting emotional weakness is hard for me. But I am. I'm emotionally weak some days. And this morning, in tears and on the verge of crumbling, I started praying, grabbed my phone and called for back up in prayer.
I knew what the source of it all was. On the heels of Dave's sermon on Sunday teaching Men how to love well, taking in the reality and truth that women need security, my heart was stumbling a bit on my own security. So I prayed. I went to Jesus with my tears. I told Him that I needed assurance, I told him I needed Him to come through for me in both reminders of who I am, in encouragement of the one person that it needed to come from. I also told Jesus that I needed help in righting my brain to what is true and not what I was feeling at that moment (fear, anxiety, phantom hurt and more fear).
Jesus came through.
What began as a nightmare come to breathing life, was quickly jilted in the shadow of people taking me by the hand and saying "I love you, I Cor 13 style."
Amid all of that, one message stuck with me - outside of the words I will not reprint here - from my friend Holly. I want to share them. More for my own benefit than for anyone else's. But I have a long memory. Important things stick with me. I remember days, moments, and events in such detail when they mean something to me. I'm the person who plots birthday surprises, christmas gifts months in advance, souvenirs, special events, etc. That's me. Holidays are important. Anniversaries of events are powerful tools in my life. IN this case, not really. And here's what Holly had to say about it:
"Do not dwell on the past. Sometimes keeping such good records can be negative. Dwell on what God has done in and through you in just the past few weeks. He is Big! He is Good!!!! He is yours and You are His."
That, my blog friends, is powerful truth.
The aftermath? I loved more deeply those who encouraged me. I respected more fully the hand that steadied me. I fell on my face in gratitude for each of those people. And thankful indeed for a bad start to the day. Because by 10am, I felt like dancing instead of weeping. He really truly turned my mourning into dancing.
Tonight, I go to bed, thinking...today has felt a bit like dancing. And yes, I did dance in my car quite a bit to some lovely tunes. In fact, I might have even skipped a bit while cleaning my room after I woke up from that nightmare.
The thing is, though, sometimes what is reality and what you're feeling sometimes don't add up. Especially after you've been sick for too long and someone gets a wee bit honest with you and you swallow back fear in commitment to trust without question. Admitting emotional weakness is hard for me. But I am. I'm emotionally weak some days. And this morning, in tears and on the verge of crumbling, I started praying, grabbed my phone and called for back up in prayer.
I knew what the source of it all was. On the heels of Dave's sermon on Sunday teaching Men how to love well, taking in the reality and truth that women need security, my heart was stumbling a bit on my own security. So I prayed. I went to Jesus with my tears. I told Him that I needed assurance, I told him I needed Him to come through for me in both reminders of who I am, in encouragement of the one person that it needed to come from. I also told Jesus that I needed help in righting my brain to what is true and not what I was feeling at that moment (fear, anxiety, phantom hurt and more fear).
Jesus came through.
What began as a nightmare come to breathing life, was quickly jilted in the shadow of people taking me by the hand and saying "I love you, I Cor 13 style."
Amid all of that, one message stuck with me - outside of the words I will not reprint here - from my friend Holly. I want to share them. More for my own benefit than for anyone else's. But I have a long memory. Important things stick with me. I remember days, moments, and events in such detail when they mean something to me. I'm the person who plots birthday surprises, christmas gifts months in advance, souvenirs, special events, etc. That's me. Holidays are important. Anniversaries of events are powerful tools in my life. IN this case, not really. And here's what Holly had to say about it:
"Do not dwell on the past. Sometimes keeping such good records can be negative. Dwell on what God has done in and through you in just the past few weeks. He is Big! He is Good!!!! He is yours and You are His."
That, my blog friends, is powerful truth.
The aftermath? I loved more deeply those who encouraged me. I respected more fully the hand that steadied me. I fell on my face in gratitude for each of those people. And thankful indeed for a bad start to the day. Because by 10am, I felt like dancing instead of weeping. He really truly turned my mourning into dancing.
Tonight, I go to bed, thinking...today has felt a bit like dancing. And yes, I did dance in my car quite a bit to some lovely tunes. In fact, I might have even skipped a bit while cleaning my room after I woke up from that nightmare.
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